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1:3 – Mysterious Sleeping Illness, Protect the Girls’ Hearts in Love

Alternative Title: If You’re Going To Run An Evil Radio Show, Learn How To Mute The Goddamn Mic

First aired: 21st March 1992

“OK Jadeite, what fresh turd have you pulled out of your ass today then?”

Jadeite continues his slow descent into ineptitude by starring in his own radio show, Midnight Zero (that’s a cool name), and calls himself J-Dite (…oh Jadeite, you need help bro.). Lovelorn ladies of Juubangai are encouraged to send in love letters to be read on air, and in return they receive a nasty-looking purple turd flower. This sucks the energy (what else) out of those who touch it, sending them into a deep sleep. It’s time for Sailor Moon to suit up, but this time she’ll be facing the malevolent DJ J-Dite himself.

This episode opens in the Dark Kingdom, with Queen Beryl giving Jadeite shit for being so incompetent. She sounds more playful than reproachful over his last two crappy plots, and Jadeite seems to take it as an opportunity to once-again flaunt his hubris. Personally, if I were Queen Beryl (and I think of little else in my daily life), I’d think of employing the 3-strikes-and-you’re-out-system to improve employee motivation.

Jadeite’s latest plan is a radio show. Let’s consider this ‘scheme’ for a second. Rather than his previous two attempts, the Midnight Zero plan appears to target far fewer people. It also takes quite a bit more effort; getting people to write in, delivering the evil flowers, learning how to use the rather complex broadcasting equipment, having to put up with the inane prattlings of teenagers. It’s unwieldy to say the least, not to mention that the entire energy-farming plot can be foiled by the victims simply refusing to wear the garish flowers.

"What's a cool DJ name? Hrmmmm... this is going to take a while..."

“What’s a cool DJ name? This is going to take a while…”

Usagi seems quite keen on the show, and why shouldn’t she be? Stupid as Jadeite may be, he certainly has a smooth radio voice. When Usagi arrives at school, it’s to discover that her teacher, Miss Sakurada, is suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome or something. She falls asleep on the desk and refuses to wake up – sounds like a regular day at the office for me.

Usagi isn’t particularly sympathetic to the victims of the “mysterious sleeping illness”, she is of the opinion that sleeping forever is awesome. I couldn’t agree more. Here is a girl who’s got her priorities straight.

Classmate Naru (we’re going to be seeing a lot more of her, in more ways than one) reveals to Usagi that she’s been sending dozens of love letters to Midnight Zero, despite the fact that she has no object of affection. It’s a little sad, by Usagi is rather taken by the idea. Unfortunately, Usagi and poetic prose go together like apples and toilet water, and she gives up on the idea.

See, she can't even use a pen correctly

See, she can’t even use a pen correctly

That night, Naru’s letter is read on Midnight Zero by J-Dite! ZOMG! The next day, she’s wearing the giant shitty flower that J Dite sent her. Naru, too, succumbs to the sleeping illness almost immediately after putting the flower broach on (no one seems to associate the two events for reasons I cannot provide). Usagi brushes the flower, and she is also rendered unconscious! AND THEY STILL DON’T TAKE THE FUCKING FLOWER OFF. Jesus, these kids are thick.

"Let 'em sleep. They're noisy as shit anyway"

“Let ’em sleep. They’re noisy as shit anyway”

Now realising that J-Dite must be EVIL (and yet still not removing the flower from Naru-chan) Usagi and Luna plan to break into the radio station. Usagi gets a new toy, the Luna Pen, which gives her whatever disguise she can think of. Can you think of a more powerful and inappropriate magical device to give a 14-year-old with the IQ of a grape?

"Moon Power! Make me Harry Styles!"

“Moon Power! Make me Harry Styles!”

Now a stylish and confident radio producer, Usagi marches RIGHT into the broadcasting booth, straight past the monster, and sits down right across from Jadeite, who sits there looking like the vacuous cretin he is as Usagi casually announces over the radio that the flowers are dangerous. Come ON Jadeite, DO SOMETHING. She’s ruining all your stupid plans and you’re just LETTING her! Good LORD, Jadeite, put some effort into it!

"Guys I licked the flower and now I'm totally tripping balls."

“Guys I licked the flower and now I’m totally tripping balls.”

This is the first time we’ve ever seen Sailor Moon face-to-face with Jadeite, Although Sailor Moon dispatches the monster with relative ease (it does dodge her first attempt at jewelry-based murder), a pissed-off Jadeite is a different matter altogether. Her Moon Tiara Action is useless against him, and he appears immune to her attempts to kick him stoutly in the groin, but Sailor Moon is spared certain death by Tuxedo Kamen, whose only action is to throw a rose at the floor. Jadeite seems utterly terrified of this completely ineffectual move and runs away crying.

"Wait wait wait wait WAIT. Let's make some ground rules. Number 1: not the face"

“Wait wait wait wait WAIT. Let’s set some ground rules. Number 1: No roses. I seriously HATE roses.”

We get the most obnoxious exit by Tuxedo Kamen yet, who bids Sailor Moon farewell before laughing hysterically as he leaps off a building to his death.

There was a lot of stupid in the episode, mainly because of Jadeite, but I found it enjoyable nevertheless. Usagi has some great lines, and we see Sailor Moon trying to beat Jadeite to death with her bare hands, which is worth a gold star right there.

Episode Score: 3/5

Monster Freakishness Level: 1/5 (She sucked balls)

Naru-chan Attack Count: 2

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