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In Memoriam: Jadeite, We Hardly Knew Ye

With Jadeite’s demise, let’s take a fond look at the short-lived career of Queen Beryl’s serial-cosplaying lieutenant. Criminally smug, frequently sexist, this budding entrepreneur barely got going before we were rid of him. Not a moment too soon in my opinion.

"HEY. How'd I look up here, Red? Fabulous, right?"

“HEY. How’d I look up here, Red? Fabulous?”

Jadeite was the very first bad guy in Sailor Moon. Most of the time he acted as a sort of… evil administrator, roaming the streets of Tokyo, looking for some sort of socially-relevant businesses venture he could use as a front for energy sucking.

If the Psychopath test were administered on good old Jadeite, I think it would surprise even him to see how eerily he mirrored some of the items. Here are a few from the Bob Hare Psychopath Checklist that I feel encapsulate Jadeite’s defects. Each item is scored 0, 1 or 2 depending on how well they fit;

  • Glibness/superficial charm – 2 (Hey, he’s a charming fella. Usagi was always certainly taken with him when he was in disguise.)
  • Grandiose sense of self-worth – 2 (Smug tool.)
  • Pathological lying – 2 (Remember the time he posed as a fitness instructor? And a security guard? And a talent show host? And a shrine sweeper? And a ship’s captain? And a radio presenter?)
  • Cunning/manipulative – 2 (It’s in the job description.)
  • Lack of remorse or guilt – 2 (He attacked half of Tokyo with abandon)
  • Shallow affect – 2 (Emotionless, save for when his own pride was threatened.)
  • Callous/lack of empathy – 2 (Remember when the monster who loved him, Tetis, died right in front of him and he gave absolutely no fucks? Cold.)
  • Failure to accept responsibility for own actions – 2 (He was “guiltless” right up to the point when Beryl froze his ass in a crystal)
Meth is a hell of a drug

Meth is a hell of a drug

Jadeite’s greatest crimes were against fashion. At any opportunity he could be seen prancing about in his new threads, often for no good reason whatsoever. Seeing that his military uniform was a granite grey, perhaps these outfits were the only time he could feel like an individual. Or, perhaps he was just a pervert. We’ll never know. Here are a couple of my favourite moments of Jadeite on the catwalk;

"Sup ladies? Who wants to work up a sweat?"

“Sup ladies? Who wants to work up a sweat?”

"Bow-ties are back in, boys"

“Remember me like this when I’m gone”

Despite the fact that every one of Jadeite’s convoluted and ridiculous plans went awry, we mustn’t be glib about his achievements.

OK the only one that comes to mind is that one time he kicked Sailor Moon’s ass. That was pretty sweet. If only the damnable yet curiously-attractive Tuxedo Kamen hadn’t gotten in the way, this whole escapade could have been nipped in the bud in episode 3!

I could watch his aaaaaall day

I could watch his aaaaaall day. Wait, where are his fucking eyes?

The part of Jadeite’s personality that was most offensive (considering he’s a certifiable psychopath, that’s quite an achievement) was his casual sexism. He would frequently remind the world that he was the Dark Kingdom’s greatest misogynist, which is odd considering that his boss was a woman. Maybe he was just lashing out.

"Plus they're always bleeding and having babies. Gross. And don't get me started on vaginas."

“Plus they’re always bleeding and having babies and stuff. Gross”

Sadly, after 13 episodes of bumbling plots, hanging out in dark rooms absorbing energy, the screaming bitter epithets and the shit-eating grins, Queen Beryl finally decided that she’s had enough. He did not receive a clean death, rather he got the Minority Report treatment – suspended in sleep forever. There are worse fates than that, but considering that Jadeite has only himself for company for the next couple of billion years, perhaps not.

"This is the song that never ends... it just goes on and on my friend... Oh crap my nose is itchy"

“This is the song that never ends… it just goes on and on my friend… Oh crap I need to itch”

So long, Jadeite! I hope your successor has more luck (and sense) than you!

"Amen to that, sister"

“Put him in the corner and shine a lamp through his crystal. It’ll make for some groovy lighting effects!”

Number of Episodes Survived: 13

Number of Times Naru was Attacked: 5

Effort: C-

Final Score: 2/5

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