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In Memoriam: Nephrite, Because He’s Worth It

Nephrite3

Poor, poor Nephrite. Though he occasionally made a complete fool of himself, his beautiful flowing locks, his keen fashion sense and his utter cheek made him one hell of a character. Undergoing an enormous and convincing personal transformation certainly isn’t easy when things keep trying (and succeeding) to murder you. Poor bastard. Let’s take a look at the life and times of the great Nephrite.

Nephrite made a great first impression. His first emergence from the shadows, eye’s glowing red, talking bitchy trash talk about Jadeite, was deeply memorable, and promised great things.

Of which he definitely delivered.

This is also the opening to Nephrite's official rock video

This is also the opening to Nephrite’s official rock video

His first foray into the world of energy-gathering (imagine that role on your CV) set the pace for his tenure. Driving straight up to his target in a sports car, leaping over a chain-link fence and smacking a tennis ball into a defenceless girl was certainly a way to make an entrance.

"POW. Take THAT little girl!"

“POW. Take THAT little girl!”

It’s at this early point in his career that I’d like to point out a few things;

1) “Sanjoin” is not a name. It sounds like a topical cream. “Sanjoin Extra Strength: Now fights thrush”.

See, this is how Sanjoin fights thrush

See, this is how Sanjoin fights thrush

2) How the hell did he get famous as a billionaire? Did he hire a publicist while Jadeite was busy screwing up? How is this supposed to help him steal energy?

3) He actually has amazing hair. So hot.

You have to wonder if the carpet matches the drapes

“Nephrite Swoon Attack!”

4) Why the car when he can teleport seemingly anywhere at will? Just because it’s bitching?

5) No, seriously, “Sanjoin“?

Yes he was obviously a complete weirdo, but his style was so palpable that the bitter taste of Jadeite was washed away in a few seconds of screen-time.

Nephrite was rather “hands-off” from this point on. He’s appear in the middle of the episode, lazily grab some object close to his target and disappear. It was a bit weird considering his plans kept going to shit thanks to Sailor Moon – you’d think he’d stick around a bit more.

When we did catch a glimpse of Nephrite, he was usually being tortured by the complete bitch Zoisite. These two really didn’t get along. Their relationship was actually rather amusing to watch at first – it was more exchanges of professional sabotage in front of Queen Beryl than anything else – but this friendly dicking about between the two quickly deteriorated.

"..dick" "Homo" "Hey that's not cool, bro. Stop being homophobic." "You're right, I'm sorry"

“You’re a dick”
“Homo”
“Hey that’s not cool, bro. Stop being homophobic.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry”

Nephrite’s creepy perverted side was only shown when Naru-chan’s affections for him blossomed. Don’t ask me how 12 seconds of a distant glimpse of Nephrite was enough for Naru to fall in love – it’s just one of those things that seems to happen from time to time in Sailor Moon.

"You're so much prettier than those snooty 12 year olds"

“You’re so much prettier than those snooty 12 year olds”

Nephrite’s reaction to all this was great – “I’m going to frequently abuse this 14 year old girl until she stops being useful to me”.

Still, the slow thawing of Nephrite’s heart was done amazingly well, and the love that blossomed between the two was convincing and enthralling, if a little (a lot) gross at first.

Considering that Nephrite died at the orders of  Zoisite, many feel rather resentful towards the mincing bastard.

I feel that nothing in the universe sums up the general attitude towards Zoisite than the following picture I found on deviantART. Behold the insanity!

That's fucked up in like 12 ways

That’s fucked up in like 12 ways

This isn’t the weirdest piece of art based on Nephrite and Naru by a long-shot. To take a random example, let’s take a look at this cutesy clay rendition of the tragic couple:

They even included the spikes through his torso. How... thoughtful

They even included the spikes through his torso. How… thoughtful

Another post on deviantART saw someone leave this comment at the bottom of a piece of truly distrubing fan-art:

“i watched the sailor moon episodes 23 and 24 and cried my eyes out. its so SAD! and I HATE UMINO!!! IF A GUY DIES FOR U, U SHOULD LOVE HIM FOREVER AND NOT FALL FOR SOMEONE ELSE LIKE A MONTH LATER!!”

Uhhh yeah. Ok. Relax for a second, yeah?

Anyway. Nephrite’s death still affects me to this day. To have come so close to happiness, then to be dealt this fate is a truly tragic end to such a great character.

Aww I'm glad I met you too, Nephrite

Aww I’m glad I met you too, Nephrite

Nephrite is one of the best characters in Sailor Moon and shan’t be forgotten. He is survived by his only child, the Black Crystal, who is currently being looked after by Uncle Zoisite. We’re sure it’s in good hands.

Number of Episodes Survived: 11

Number of Times Naru was Attacked: Like, a billion

Effort: A

Final Score: 4/5

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