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1:33 – The Last Sailor Senshi! Sailor Venus Appears

Alternative Title: Sometimes You Just Have to Cross-Dress

First Aired: 21st November 1992

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The Dark Kingdom’s plan to retrieve the remaining Rainbow Crystals not currently in their possession seems simple enough – place Sailor Moon in danger and Tuxedo Kamen is sure to turn up. At that point, shank him and steal the crystals back. Simple, no? NOPE. Zoisite’s plan is to dress-up in full Sailor Senshi regalia, parade around as Sailor Moon, and use himself as the bait. With Tuxedo Kamen and the Sailor Senshi in a dire position, the last warrior must appear to save the day…

So many things to discuss in this episode, and it’s only going to get more and more juicy every episode from here on out. The artwork is a bit rough in some places, but the excitement of the events far out-way the little niggles.

Also, disturbing cross-dressing. I’ll say up front that cross-dressing is completely cool, do what you want to do and be proud doing it, but seriously guys, stay away from the miniskirts and bloomers.

Queen Beryl is getting pissed off over at the Dark Kingdom. Zoisite is subjecting her to some tedious flash-backs of good old Nephrite fighting Sailor Moon (it’s lovely to see him again) but his PowerPoint presentation isn’t going down too well.

"My disturbingly-animated boobs are extremely impatient!"

“My disturbingly-animated boobs are extremely impatient!”

Apparently Queen Beryl doesn’t like to be reminded of Sailor Moon’s many miraculous victories, but Zoisite, looking slightly disconcerted, emphasises the point that Tuxedo Kamen always seems to come and rescue the bumbling minx every time she’s in trouble.

A Yorkshire Terrier with learning difficulties could have made that connection by now, but whatever Zoisite’s not exactly the most capable of generals. Remember that time he was in that pillar of rats?

Kunzite, Zoisite’s superior/love-beast asks to create the plan to lure Tux out. He plan is to put Sailor Moon in danger, lure Tuxedo Kamen out and mug ‘im for those final two Rainbow Crystals still not in Queen Beryl’s ownership.

Considering what follows this slavish devotion to Kunzite makes perfect sense

Considering what follows this slavish devotion to Kunzite makes perfect sense

If you remember, gathering all the crystals will reveal the Ginzuishou, Silver Crystal, which Queen Beryl can use to revive the Great Leader.

So, this seems like a pretty competent plan, yes?

No.

Oh my god

Oh my god

WHY? Why did anyone have to dress up as Sailor Moon, why did Zoisite have to be the one to dress up as Sailor Moon and why-oh-why did Kunzite create a plan that put Zoisite in a miniskirt unless he had a serious fetish? I don’t want to think that he’s taped his meat and two veg back, but there’s very little room in those bloomers.

I think I doth protest too much. Frankly, I sort of like this storyline. It’s hard to see Faux Sailor Moon as Zoisite. It may be the magical boobies he conjured out of nowhere. I love the detail of him using a boomerang to attack the bank robbers – apparently the crystal clear footage of Sailor Moon in battle wasn’t enough for Zoisite to realise that she was using a magic tiara.

Actually I would have been astounded if he did realise she was throwing a tiara about as a weapon.

Zoisite got the whole "kicking dudes in the face"thing down

Zoisite got the whole “kicking dudes in the face”thing down

2 minutes into the show and I’ve written 500 words. Fuck. Better get on with it.

Sailor Zoisite’s next plan to get attention (whyyyyyyyyy) is to magically weaken the bonds on some window cleaners’ platform, then swoop in on a rope like 1960’s cartoon Spider-Man to save the day. All this happens in front of Mamoru (what are the odds?), who is the only one to notice the subterfuge.

Zoisite is doing a far better job than the real Sailor Moon, except that he has a penis

Zoisite is doing a far better job than the real Sailor Moon, except that he has a penis

Usagi and Makoto are in the crowd below during all this. Usagi is less than amused, even though she’s getting some awesome free publicity from all this.

"Hey guys I'M THE REAL SAILOR MOON"

“Hey guys I’M THE REAL SAILOR MOON”

Meanwhile, a mysterious blonde girl and a white cat are staring at the two girls… WHO COULD IT BE?

33-10

Spoiler: it’s Sailor Venus.

Zoisite’s beau, Kunzite, looks ominously on, announcing to no one in particular that only the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo Kamen will be able to follow Sailor Zoisite to the warehouses where the trap will be sprung. Thanks for that bit of exposition, Kunzite.

"My evil plan is flawless! Hahaha oh I'm so lonely"

“My evil plan is flawless! Hahaha oh I’m so lonely”

The girls are, indeed, tracking the fake Sailor Senshi, will all giving Usagi a hard time about how this other Sailor Moon is far more competent – and they have a fair point. Usagi’s central objection seems to be that she’s using the name Sailor Moon without permission, and vows to “catch her and make her pay license fees!”

33-13

I love this show.

After a curiously high-pitched scream, the girls run off to find Sailor Zoisite hanging from his wrists high above. We get a juicy crotch shot. It’s disturbing.

How much smushing is going on here?

Dear Lord. How much smushing is going on here, exactly?

Usagi wants to rush in and save the fake Sailor Moon despite it obviously being a trap – she “just can’t watch Sailor Moon being treated like that!” – which is a sentiment we can all appreciate, unless you’re a simultaneously a masochist and a sadist.

For some unknown reason, the other girls are all on board with the idea of boldly rushing into a blatant trap today, and we get a full-on 4-Senshi transformation sequence that eats away a good 5 minutes of the show.

I’m completely fine with this, it allows me type less.

The Sailor Senshi’s entrance is particularly self-indulgent today. After Sailor Moon’s usual “I’m the warrior of love or whatever”, each of the other girls has to chime in, before we get a QUADRUPLE-TAKE zooming in to this melodramatic stance.

33-15

I mention this because Kunzite, after introducing himself, immediately traps them inside some sort of contracting dark sphere, and that’s literally where the girls will stay for the rest of the episode.

"Oh well at least I don't have to see Zoisite's left testicle sticking out of those bloomers from inside here"

“Oh well at least I don’t have to see Zoisite’s left testicle sticking out of those bloomers from inside here”

The Senshi throw attacks at the dark sphere, but to no avail – Kunzite is just too darn strong, and the sphere gets smaller and smaller. It’s like the whole “the spiked-ceiling is coming down!” gambit.

Finally, Tuxedo Kamen turns up an immediately reveals he’s an idiot by “rescuing” Sailor Zoisite. I should mention that he does nothing to save the real Sailor Moon and company.

"I think I prefer this Sailor Moon. She's much quieter. Come here, sweet princess..."

“I think I prefer this Sailor Moon. She’s much quieter. Come here, sweet princess…”

While prostrate in Tuxedo Kamen’s manly arms, Sailor Zoisite finally reveals himself by stabbing Tux in the back with a giant energy shard. It looks nasty. This is the first time we’ve seen him in any sort of peril, and it works.

"THAT'S for trying to feel me up, jerk"

“THAT’S for trying to feel me up, jerk”

This is also his climax face. He gets off on being stabbed in the back

This is also his climax face. He gets off on being stabbed in the back

Tuxedo Kamen continues to be confused (idiot) until Zoisite finally puts on some clothes that doesn’t smash his nuts into his taint.

Thus begins a hide-and-seek game in the warehouse, with Tux seriously injured.

In the heat of battle, Zoisite throws his signature petals (lame) at Tuxedo Kamen, which knocks his tiny masquerade mask off. Queen Beryl, who has been monitoring the events of the day like she’s running The Truman Show or something, seems shocked at Tuxedo Kamen’s unobstructed face – she recognises him!?

33-22

"...fucking HAWT."

“…fucking HAWT.”

Has someone spilled some corn flour in this pot?Because the plot just thickened. Haha. Oh I slay me.

Tuxedo Kamen is spared a fate worse than death – being killed by Zoisite, that is – by a mysterious attack from a window – “Crescent Beam!” – and it looks pretty darn cool. Tuxedo Kamen takes the chance to run away like a little girl (who’s just been stabbed with a giant fuckoff shard in the back.)

BLOOD. Nice. Of course this time it's red - Nephrite's copious amount of blood was green. GLARING inconsistency

BLOOD. Nice. Of course this time it’s red – Nephrite’s copious amount of blood was green. GLARING inconsistency

The attack is seriously slick. I think it might be my favourite-looking from the first series. Have a peek:

 

Tuxedo Kamen hangs around, trying to find a way to rescue the real Sailor Moon and co. and seems about to offer himself up (maybe, he can be a dick sometimes if the mood takes him) when the mysterious figure reveals herself…

WHAT AN ENTRANCE

WHAT AN ENTRANCE

It’s Sailor V! She and Artemis were the first characters created by Naoko Takeuchi and had a whole bunch of anti-crime adventures before Sailor Moon was commissioned. Her fame has led, by this point, to even computer games being made about her. As such, her appearance is rather dramatic!

Just to compare, this is her Sailor V outfit, which I think I prefer, but it isn't colour-coded for the rest of the team. Fashion suffers for uniformity

Just to compare, this is her Sailor V outfit, which I think I prefer, but it isn’t colour-coded for the rest of the team. Fashion suffers for uniformity

Her Crescent Beam attack slices through both Kunzite’s hands with a pleasurable gooey sound – it’s pretty cool. Zoisite is all a dither with worry over his master.

The other Sailor Senshi, now free from the dark sphere, cannot believe their eyes – the famous Sailor V is here! And she’s really Sailor Venus! Who could have seen that coming except for everyone!

All kidding aside, I love this entrance. Sailor Venus seems far more confident and competent than any of the other girls…

…right now…

Kunzite and Zoisite seem about to regroup for another attack when the disembodied voice of Queen Beryl booms out an order to retreat. Zoisite impetuously asks why, and gets rebuked, which is always great.

"Then what the fuck is this condom for!?"

“Then what the fuck is this condom for!?”

The episode ends with the the white cat Artemis congratulating the Sailor Senshi on finally being complete, and with Sailor Venus looking all “lovely” (art work’s a bit dodgy), Sailor Moon asks if she might be the Moon Princess they’ve been searching for…

33-31

…and the episode fades out!

What a rip-off! Bet we’ll have to wait WEEKS to find out who the Princess is. Oh we’ll find out next episode? Never mind then.

I like this episode a lot for the progression of the story arc more than anything else, but however I feel about this episode you can multiply that by a thousand for next time – shit gets real, yo. Join me, won’t you?

Episode Score: 4/5

Evil Plot Score: 1/5 (Anything that requires Zoisite having to “tuck in” gets a hard 1 out of 5)

How Awesome is Sailor Venus?: Pretty Damn Awesome, Guys

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