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2:6 – Targeted Kindergarten Kids! Venus’ Great Performance

Alternative Title: “Lady, are you going through a hard time or something?”

First Aired: 24th April 1993

17

Minako is an ordinary 14 year old Japanese girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Also, she’s Sailor Venus, defender of small children. As Ali & En’s latest monster begins attack kindergarten kids, Sailor Venus must defend our future, convince some snotty brats that Sailor Moon exists, and find within herself a brand new power.

After the last episode got  us back on track, this one falters slightly. I liked the idea of focusing on Minako for an episode, but the limp writing and limper ark make this episode forgettable.

Before I start, I should point out that this first mini-arc of Sailor Moon R, the Doom Tree arc, was invented entirely for the show, to give manga writer Naoko Takeuchi more time – the manga and the anime were developed side by side.

As a result, these episodes really lack focus, they end up being rather ambulating filler episodes with no idea where the arc is going. Which, I suspect, the writers didn’t.

The episode begins in a horribly childish room, with giant stuffed animals and horrible bed with horrible pink covers and – oh, it’s Minako’s room. She has the aesthetic taste of a four year old, apparently.

Not sure it's OK to sleep with a male cat who speaks English. Seems like... living in sin

Not sure it’s OK to sleep with a male cat who speaks English. Seems like… living in sin

Minako is obviously having a dirty dream – she yells out the name Allan, who you may remember from Sailor Venus’ flashback episode of the first season.

After a scuffle with Artemis, with whom she shares a bed, she checks the time and realises she’s rather late with a “WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIIIS!?” It’s all rather familiar of course.

I want that alarm clock. Someone get on Etsy and make that

I want that alarm clock. Someone get on Etsy and make that

I like this opening a lot.

Artemis provides a voice over. It’s quite funny, being a sort of “Confessions of an incompetent super-heroine’s cat”. Plus, anytime Artemis is suffering is OK by me, he’s sort of a jerk.

For example, when he comments that Minako “…looks so dependable, but looks can be deceiving.” Hey, man, you didn’t wake up on time either.

Artemis then continues being a jerk by wishing “She should have more hidden powers.” You know what, guy? Let her do her thing. You just worry about licking your own furry balls.

We all get what we want after Minako accidentally jumps on top of him.

The jokes are all pretty obvious here, revolving around a colloquial term for "cat"

The jokes are all pretty obvious here, revolving around a colloquial term for “cat”

Minako overhears some kids arguing, and it’s sort of creepy. A little girl is being bullied by some older boys. By the way she’s holding her chest, and they way they keep invading her personal space, she looks like she’s being attacked. It’s weird.

Pretty sure that kid can be put on trial as an adult, he looks about 30

Pretty sure that kid can be put on trial as an adult, he looks about 30

Luckily Minako yells the shit out of the boys before they can do anything that will have them taken away from their parents by social services.

Minako moves to comfort the crying girl, but as it turns out, she was faking it. This girl has moxie. She uses the same technique to blackmail Minako into walking her to her bus stop, making Minako even later.

Seriously, how much can this girl run in a single morning. Oh well, at least Usagi is just as late.

We get a scene of Usagi being punished for being late. Seijuro once again makes a pass at her, which is horrible, but the pay off of having Natsumi being overtly pissed off at her “brother” is acceptable. Even better is Usagi’s reaction of “WTFness” over this brother and sister who clearly have carnal knowledge of each other.

"Sooo have you two got one of those Game Of Thrones things going on?"

“Sooo have you two got one of those Game Of Thrones things going on?”

Seijuro and Natsumi, really the alien lovers Ali & En (the name cracks me up every time) announce their latest plan to gather energy for the Doom Tree: go for “young meat”, a little like Sex in the City.

As Minako is walking home from school, she comes across the same little girl from that morning, once again being bullied. Artemis is drawn so sloppily here, it’s atrocious, but what do you expect from the crappy production team?

He looks flat and pasted onto her chest. Nice job.

He looks flat and pasted onto her chest. Nice job.

This time, the girl is apparently arguing whether or not Sailor Moon is real. I would have thought that was beyond question after all the monsters she’s publicly killed.

The bully boys are hilarious in their snotty retorts to Minako’s intervention. Aside from calling her an “old woman” (that seems to really rile her up, which is a weird thing for a 14 year old to worry about), one suggests that if she has enough time to talk to kindergarten kids, she should go find a boyfriend or something.

Another kid adds in "Of course that'll be hard with your looks!" Gosh, they start young

Another kid adds in “Of course that’ll be hard with your looks!” Gosh, they start young

Hey, you know what? Sexist, but to be honest Minako really shouldn’t be arguing with children in a playground.

After the kids run off, Minako is left with the little girl again, whose name is Mie. Minako finally notices the giant fucking Sailor Moon badge on her top. It’s really rather cute. Scratch that, it’s bitchin’.

I'm serious, someone get this up on Etsy

I’m serious, someone get this up on Etsy

Minako hopefully asks Mie if she’s also a fan of Sailor Venus, but the little girl pretty much responds “WHO DAT?” which is hilarious.

As it turns out, this girl worried that Sailor Moon doesn’t really exist. Minako encourages her (she’s nice and shit), before finally announcing that SHE knows Sailor Moon personally (Artemis is getting freaked out) and that she’ll come to Mie’s kindergarten to tell all the other kids that Sailor Moon totally exists.

Seriously, how much time does Mianko have on her hands? You just met this kid that morning.

The aliens put their plan in motion, summoning the Cardian Gigarus (also known as Poorly Designed Angel Thing). It begins attacking little children, which is pretty fucked up. An entire bus full of kids gets drained. Gosh, this is a rather large oversight by the Sailor Senshi, really.

"Hi kids! I'm going to suck you energy now, in a completely platonic way. Make sure the police know that I only grabbed you by the neck, OK?"

“Hi kids! I’m going to suck you energy now, in a completely platonic way. Make sure the police know that I only grabbed you by the neck, OK?”

We finally see Rei, Ami, Makoto and Luna in the aftermath of the attack, getting riled up and rearing to go stop the attacks on kids. Ami uses her super computer to locate the next target. I have no idea what parameters she could have used to come up with that certain a conclusion.

I can only presume that Science = Magic in Sailor Moon, which isn’t too far off the mark after you begin watching season 3, Sailor Moon S.

The target is Shiba Kindergarten, and the team agree that someone has to go in undercover just in case it gets attacked.

All the serious air is rent by Usagi laughing stupidly at a manga (the sucky production team always roll out this trope.) The others thank Usagi for volunteering herself for the job.

Kids are in danger, so let's send in the most incompetent member of the team

Kids are in danger, so let’s send in the most incompetent member of the team

It’s a fairly old joke nowadays, but I liked it a lot. Mainly sold on Usagi’s complete bemusement over what she had volunteered herself for.

At Shiba Kindergarten is Minako, trying to convince small children that Sailor Moon (& Sailor Venus, she won’t stop bringing herself up for some extra publicity) exists through reasoned arguments.

The kids are nice and skeptical, pointing out that the idea of Sailor Moon is retarded (hard to argue that). Even better is their digs at Minako:

“I think you should be more realistic.”

“Lady, are you going through a hard time or something?”

“Isn’t that escapism?”

“It must be nice being a grown-up. They always push their hardships onto children, while they run off to live in a fantasy world.”

I laughed my ass off at that.

Best bit of the episode. I'm nowhere near as quick on the ball with my barbs as these kids

Best bit of the episode. I’m nowhere near as quick on the ball with my barbs as these kids

The kids seem to have taken a liking to Minako, however. They “begrudgingly” agree to let Minako accompany them on the bus ride home. It’s quite sweet really.

As the bus is pulling out, Usagi rocks up and uses the flippin’ Transformation Pen! We haven’t seen a Moon Power Ni Nare! In a long time. Sadly this is also the last time we’ll see it, although I think I said that last time too.

Yeah, they got the kindergarten teacher look down

Yeah, they got the kindergarten teacher look down

Now a kindergarten teacher in a jumper and a pair of Converses (she’ so cute), Usagi hops on board and isn’t immediately arrested for being a potential paedophile, but instead is recognised by Minako. I guess that magical pen isn’t that good.

The bus activities are led by Usagi and Minako, aaaand it’s a horrible karaoke of the opening song Moonlight Densetsu that made me want to crawl up my own ass if only to stop hearing.

I guess that’s the point though. Artemis isn’t enjoying it either.

The driver has just jumped out the window

The driver has just jumped out the window

Finally, in a tunnel (there are ZERO other cars on the road), Gigarus attacks the bus, jumping straight through the windscreen.

Instead of everyone dying in a horrible bus accident (which is what surely should have happened, especially since the driver is immediately drained of energy), the bus halts, and Gigarus moves towards the kids.

"Hi Kids! I'M YOUR DEATH."

“Hi Kids! I’M YOUR DEATH.”

The kids are scared, but Minako assures Mie that it’s times like these that Sailor Moon turns up. Mainly because she’s right next to them.

So, what’s Usagi’s plan?

“LET’S GO ARTEMIS!”

“OK!”

"Totally meant to do that."

“Totally meant to do that.”

As it turns out, her plan all along was to get smashed out of the bus so that she could transform. That’s one hell of a committed gal. Impressive! Sort of.

I mean, she was in disguise, she could have just transformed in front of the kids. Oh well.

Sailor Moon begins fighting Gigarus, aaaaaand she’s shit. Even the kids know it.

Do I have to show a pic every time Sailor Moon sucks? Only when ass is shown.

Do I have to show a pic every time Sailor Moon sucks? Only when ass is shown.

By the way, I’ve just realised that these kids would have been the same age as me when this episode was aired, meaning that their would conceivably be 25 now. Isn’t that just so sad?

So I hate Gigaru. It looks shit, it sounds shit, (“GIGAROOOU!”) and its attack is just… green ass wind blasts.

Minako, agreeing with entirely and wanting to see this poorly drawn piece of crap off the screen, sneaks out the back of the bus while the kids are watching Sailor Moon and transforms.

Sailor Venus makes a dramatic entrance, shooting Gigaru with a Crescent Beam (I love that attack) and saving Sailor Moon.

"Hi Kids! Buy my official merchandise after the fight!"

“Hi Kids! Buy my official merchandise after the fight!”

Gigaru stops being affected by Crescent Beam, however, and has the Senshi on the ropes, before SODDING MOONLIGHT SHITTING KNIGHT turns up and points out ALL THE BRIGHT EYED KIDS who begin cheering for Sailor Moon & Venus.

"I've been hiding behind this bus until an appropriate moment presented itself to make a complete cock of myself."

“I’ve been hiding behind this bus until an appropriate moment presented itself to make a complete cock of myself.”

So lame. Even lamer is that Sailor Venus feeds off of it, remembering how important it is to believe or whatever. Thankfully we get a brand new attack out of all this corn, however:

Crescent Beam Shower! It stuns Gigaru (it’s kind of a lame attack really) and Sailor Moon finishes it off with a Moon Princess Halation, which is a much better attack.

"Gawd, I'm SO BORED, kill me already."

“Gawd, I’m SO BORED, kill me already.”

Artemis waltzes up like he knew this was going to happen all along (twerp), and suggests they owed their victory to ALL DEM SWEET KIDS, which makes me want to vomit.

The episode ends on a diabetes-inducing shot of Mie chatting shit to Minako about how she thinks she’s becoming a Sailor Venus fan.

"Listen Minako, we can't see so much of each other anymore. I'm worried that you're beginning to get codependent, and I've got some important finger painting I have to work through."

“Listen Minako, we can’t see so much of each other anymore. I’m worried that you’re beginning to get codependent, and I’ve got some important finger painting I have to work through.”

And it’s over.

Not the worst… definitely not the best. Just counting down the episodes until something interesting happens at this point.

 

Episode Score: 2/5

Monster Score: 1/5 (Piss off, Gigaru)

How Many Children Attacked For Our Pleasure: 50 (Estimated)

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