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2:7 – Mamoru and Usagi’s Babysitting Mayhem

Alternate Title: It’s Our Baby Now. Please Leave.

First Aired: 1st May 1993

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Ali and En are upping the ante in their bid for delicious human energy, and it’s goddamn babies they’re targeting. After a young mother lands in the hospital after defending her spawn, Mamoru offers to look after the gross little thing. Usagi sees a chance to spend time with Mamoru by offering to help, but after frequent bitter arguments, she wonders whether the two of them are even really compatible.

Oh yeah, there’s also like monsters and short skirts and stuff.

I’m going to reveal something before we kick off this review: I dislike babies. I understand they’re important for the future and are helpless or whatever, but whether fictional or real, babies sort of blow.

In this episode, the babysitting scenario does play out as a rather tortuous plot device, but I think that the character moments really shine through. Even though it’s complete filler with a storyline I’ve seen in almost every after-school show between 1988 – 1995, it’s pretty darn solid.

Babies. The episode starts out with babies. Not a strong start. They’re minimally animated, with annoying gurgling sounds.

Ugh. Gross.

Ugh. Gross.

Thankfully, it’s swiftly revealed that Ali and En will be stealing their energy, so it’s looking up before long. If that sounds callous, I’m exaggerating for comic effect, and also because I fucking hate babies, you guys. I’m sorry.

Oh much better! Menacing eyes are always an improvement

Oh much better! Menacing eyes are always an improvement

The aliens call forth the Cardian called Amaderasu at once. Events are really moving swiftly today. Quite an interesting method of storytelling, focusing immediately on the machinations of the enemy, and it’s working.

Now, even though I said I hate babies, even I can see that attacking them is profoundly perverse. This is a way of ramping up the threat from Ali and En, who are distinctly un-threatening characters normally. Did this tactic of putting kids in harms way work? Not entirely, but it’s still pretty twisted, even for Sailor Moon.

Speaking of which, Usagi and Ami (ain’t seen much of her this series thus far) are walking past a nursery (THE ODDS. WHAT ARE THEY?) when they stop to coo over a red-headed baby called Manami.

Icy... heart... thawing... callousness... fading...

Icy… heart… thawing… callousness… fading…

OK this thing is pretty cute after all.

Too bad Amaderasu turns up in the glare of the sun to totally suck the shit out of everything.

By the way, I hate this Cardian. It’s voice is just awful, and it attacks babies.

See I hate babies, but I'm an advocate of prophylactics rather than murder

See I hate babies, but I’m an advocate of prophylactics rather than murder

All the little babies are drained via weird creepy hair threads, as well as all the carers and parents. Only one baby is spared the mass-draining, and that’s the little red-head Manami, shielded by its mother.

We’ll call that the Harry Potter moment of the day.

Suddenly, out of the void of poor writing, Mamoru jumps in to yell at Ami to call ambulances. They’re going to need, like, 50 of them.

"Also I'm here! Look at how large my goddamn fist is! That's how angry I am!"

“Also I’m here! Look at how large my goddamn fist is! That’s how angry I am!”

The hospital scene is a little disturbing. All the babies have been placed inside infant care units. Sort of shows you the scale of this attack. Reminded me a little of the iron lungs that kids used to be stuck inside when suffering from polio all the way up to the 1970s.

The big concern is, ironically, the healthy baby Manami. His mother is out of the count for a few days, and apparently his father is “away on business”, whatever that means. It’s not like they could have just made her a single mother. I guess they didn’t want to confuse children by having a common-enough family dynamic as a single parent family.

As you can tell, I have issues.

Mamoru acts the hero, or the complete idiot, and offers to take the baby in for a few days. I suppose it’s an honourable thing to do, but it’s also a sign of hubris, thinking you’re qualified enough to look after a baby by yourself when you’re 17 and a douche-bag.

"I'm manly, I can take care of a baby. They regenerate into a larval state if you drop them on their heads, right?"

“I’m manly, I can take care of a baby. They regenerate into a larval state if you drop them on their heads, right?”

I know they’re trying to make Mamoru look cool and responsible, but he just sort of comes off as a tool here. Just my opinion, guys, feel free to disregard.

Ami thinks so too, and has to explain slowly that babies can’t talk and that therefore it’s sort of hard to know what they want. Duuuh? The rest of the episodes plays out like a “What The Shit Are Babies?” lesson for 4 year olds.

"You know what end makes the poop, right?" "..." "Good enough, you can take it."

“You know what end makes the poop, right?”
“…”
“Good enough, you can take it.”

We also get a brief moment of the baby Manami talking to itself in a cutesy voice about wanting its mother. I hate this device. Gets right up my nose.

Usagi offers to help Mamoru, and asks Ami if she wants to help too, but Ami slyly responds that she doesn’t want to get in Usagi’s way. I really like Ami in this episode.

"Nothing encourages sex more than the prospect of child-rearing after all."

“Nothing encourages sex more than the prospect of child-rearing after all.”

Back in Mamoru’s place, Manami is being treated to ridiculous faces by Mamoru and Usagi, which is rather amusing, but Mamoru suddenly decides to be a complete dick and invites Usagi to leave.

Gosh, what a douche. She was just trying to help him look after a fucking baby.

Usagi is briefly annoyed, but sort of forgets to leave after happily watching Mamoru show a caring side to the baby, ending up leaning her head against him instead.

She's a sucker for emotional abuse

She’s a sucker for emotional abuse

Poor girl. Mamoru just seems annoyed by this.

There’s a few more chaotic scenes of Usagi trying to make formula, the two of them changing a diaper, bottle time etc. etc. The only thing really of note that happens is the tiny little baby penis on Manami – Usagi and Mamoru (and the audience) were under the impression that Manami was a girl. It’s pretty funny seeing Usagi saying “penis!” while pointing.

"BABY PENIS!? Oh it's bigger than yours, Mamoru."

“BABY PENIS!? Oh it’s bigger than yours, Mamoru.”

There’s also a wee argument about whether Manami will be talking or walking first that causes Usagi to leave in a huff.

On the way home, her angry turns to sadness as she stops at a bridge, wondering if she and Mamoru are fundamentally incompatible. Personally I think the problem is all on his attitude, but I think I’ve made that repeatedly clear.

"He's kind of a dick, but I'm 14 and an idiot, so that's as good as I think I'm gonna get"

“He’s kind of a dick, but I’m 14 and an idiot, so that’s as good as I think I’m gonna get”

I love the colour scheme of this scene, muted purples that remind me of early on in season 1. A really good framing technique for Usagi’s anxiety and forlorn love.

The next day, Usagi’s up early to try and help Mamoru again. Guess she’s a sucker for punishment. The three are out for a walk, with Usagi pushing the stroller and Mamoru carrying baby supplies that look as though they could last a nuclear winter. It’s quite a nice domestic scene, really.

All this is going to feel rather poignant by the end of the series

All this is going to feel rather poignant by the end of the series

Next up on the coincidental list is Minako, Makoto and Ami. Minako cheerfully asks when Usagi had Mamoru’s baby (Usagi’s embarrasment is amazing), and then Ami asks “What did you do with Mamoru!?” (again, hilarious).

"Hey Usagi, did you tap that yet?"

“Hey Usagi, did you tap that yet?”

Ami whispers that the Senshi are meeting up at the shrine to try and pin down the latest enemy’s movements.

Rei reads the energy of Amareasu and is all set to track it down if it reappears. A handy psychic ability, that.

Over at Mamoru’s pimp pad (it’s more of a sterile hospital waiting room, really), Natsumi bursts in, having heard about the baby-sitting situation and keen to ingratiate herself with our boy Mamsy.

"Make me look good, kid, or I'll feed you to my giant tree."

“Make me look good, kid, or I’ll feed you to my giant tree.”

Her technique is to try and show a caring side to Manami, who doesn’t like her much, and promptly decides to pee on her face.

The episode's money shot

The episode’s money shot

Hilarious.

After washing her face off, she tries again, holding Manami while he’s feeding. And again…

Mamoru's super excited about this and wants a hug

Mamoru’s super excited about this and wants a hug

The use of it twice in a row is doubly hillarious. Great comic timing.

Natsumi runs out as Usagi comes in. There’s immediate tension. By the way Mamoru pauses, he knows he’s done something wrong.

Usagi is hurt that Mamoru would just let anybody look after Manami. It’s a little… illogical, let’s say, but as an emotional feeling of betrayal, I think I understand his reaction, especially considering she’s already so vulnerable concerning Mamoru. There’s also the fact that Mamoru definitely seems to act guilty too.

 

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He seems keen to explain himself (showing that Usagi’s feelings are, in fact, a concern for him), and grabs her like a bastard, but Usagi finally sticks up for herself and shanks him yells at him.

Seriously, more of this form her. Tell him where to shove it!

Seriously, more of this form her. Tell him where to shove it!

The tension is at a point where it seems like the two are irreconcilable – Usagi’s voice actress is actually amazing here – but Manami provides a welcome break in tension by walking for the first time over to a tissue box so that he can continue pulling out tissues.

The shock of the moment has Mamoru and Usagi so united in joy that the argument of moments before seems to evapourate. The two are even jumping up and down yelling (Mamoru acts a little… effeminate, shall we say.)

You know that's not your kid right? You've stolen this moment from his actual mother? You remember her? The one in the hospital?

You know that’s not your kid right? You’ve stolen this moment from his actual mother? You remember her? The one in the hospital?

It’s a contrived moment, sure, but considering the emotions right before this moment, I think the episode earned it. Really cute bit here.

Ami waltzes into the apartment, notices Usagi and Mamoru holding hands, and gives them another sly knowing look (as I said, really like her in this episode.)

"Guy's, I can get you free condoms if you need them. Just putting that out there."

“Guy’s, I can get you free condoms if you need them. Just putting that out there.”

Although she’s happy about Manami, she reveals the real reason she’s here – Rei has felt the Cardian’s  energy – it’s time for the girls to suit up.

Amaderasu turns up in the sun above a nursery again, but Sailor Mars, Venus and Makoto attack before it can drain the babies. Instead, that bastard monster plays even more dirty, capturing all the babies in floating bubbles and using them as a shield.

That’s pretty low.

I bet Sailor Mercury could do this with Bubble Spray if she really tries hard

I bet Sailor Mercury could do this with Bubble Spray if she really tries hard

Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury turn up to clean up the mess left for them by the other, more aggressive Senshi.

The two remaining Senshi are saved from the creepy energy-sucking hair-threads by Moonlight Knight (GROAN), who releases the armour-babies from their floating bubbles with a rose, and then speaks bullshit about how much he just loves babies and shit.

"Babies are ok is what I'm trying to say. That makes me cool, right?"

“Babies are ok is what I’m trying to say. That makes me cool, right?”

Somehow, this god-awful speech inspires Sailor Mercury into fury, as opposed to vomiting like it did me, and her incredulity over using babies as shields manifests itself as a new attack – Bubble Spray Freezing!

"MY ULTIMATE ATTACK!"

“MY ULTIMATE ATTACK!”

"...sort of sucks"

“…sort of sucks”

…which looks exactly the same as Bubble Spray but is EVEN COLDER and ALMOST JUST AS USELESS.

Sailor Moon is impressed, and tries to stimulate some hitherto unknown inner power by getting mad too, but her Moon Princess Halation is just the same, and as deadly, as ever.

Bye Amaderasu, you were super annoying.

The episode ends with Mamoru and Usagi handing Manami back to his mother (they totally should’ve kept it and been like “What baby? You crazy, lady, you never had no kid.” Although that would have been mean.

"Oh this baby? No no, it's not yours. This is definitely our kid."

“Oh this baby? No no, it’s not yours. This is definitely our kid.”

Mamoru and Usagi say goodbye to Minami, when the baby does something completely starling and develops the ability to articulate complex phonemes in the matter of seconds. Here’s what the shit it says:

“Mamoru-san. Usagi-chan. Bye-bye.”

The little fucker learned honorifics. That’s just silly. The mother doesn’t even seem that bothered, she just walks off into the sunset.

"Ehhh whatever, anything can talk. I bet it's just farting."

“Ehhh whatever, anything can talk. I bet it’s just farting.”

The episode ends with Usagi and Mamoru once again yelling in celebration, hands interlocked, before reaching up to the sky and yelling “BANZAAII” together. Which is funny to a Western audience, and also nice and sweet.

Still not the corniest episode ending on this show. Amazing, I know

Still not the corniest episode ending on this show. Amazing, I know

All in all, an above-average filler episode. The scenario was goofy, but I enjoyed Usagi’s anxiety, and the pay off for the two of them by the end of the episode.

 

Episode Score: 4/5

Monster Score: 1/5 (Annoying, and it PLAYED DIRTY.)

Mamoru Douche-O-Meter: 89% Douche

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