Alternative Title: Stop Putting Unknown Objects Into Your Body

First Aired: 22nd May 1993

Who is the Moonlight Knight!? Makoto would certainly like to find out. She’s hoping it’s Seijuro, human alias of Ali, whom she tries to woo with her magical lunches. En, his partner, isn’t so thrilled about this, and begins to attack pretty much everything. It takes the words of the real Moonlight Knight to inspire Sailor Jupiter for a new attack.

There’s still this overwhelming sense of “killing time” in these Ali and En episodes… but this isn’t as bad as the title suggests. Yes, Seijuro is about as fanciable as small pox, and yes, Mako makes some seriously questionable choices, but excellent jokes and animation keep this from being stale.

The episode doesn’t start out promising. It’s Moonlight Knight, in various “dramatic” (read: nauseating) poses, set to his stupid Arabian-esque theme tune.

My hope is that this scene ends like the one in Empire Strikes Back, and Han Solo has to shove Moonlight Knight inside that camel

Still, I have to objectively give a thumbs-up to the art,work, which is lovely, but it pains me to do so.

As it turns out, this montage is the subject of a conversation Ami and Makoto are having in a park before school. They’re wondering who he is (it definitely can’t be Mamoru, right?), but Makoto seems more romantically disposed towards Moonlight Knight.

“Men who wear racially-insensitive pyjamas are so hot.”

She likes the way he says “Adieu” as he leaves, instead of wanting to throw heavy objects at his head like any sane person. Makoto has such a bad taste in men, as shown with Crane Game Joe and Cheating Monster Ice Skater. Ah well, we all have our flaws.

Ami and Makoto notice Umino and Naru nearby (yes they’re still in the show) acting all lovely-dovey – Umino apparently frequently makes box lunches (bento) for his beloved Naru, including her favourite “fried shrimp,” which also says a lot about why she’s dating Umino if you think about it.

I wonder if that regret is sinking in yet?

Makoto feels pretty wistful at this scene – she “hasn’t made lunch for anyone in a while…” which I feel is a line from Sex and the City as a thinly-veiled allegory.

The first bell for school chimes, and Ami seems a little put-out that Usagi didn’t make their meeting. Apparently they were all supposed to be discussing Moonlight Knight. It’s not like these girls hang out all the goddamn time anyway, so they actually have to start adding in hours before school.

Not particularly relevant this photo, I just love the way she’s drawn here

Mako points out that it was ridiculous of them to even think Usagi would turn up on time, and I must say I agree with them.

Usagi is, of course, late for school. So late, in fact, that she’s forgot her lunch. Luna is running after her (seriously, she’s the best cat ever), but doesn’t manage to catch  up to Usagi, given the fact that she accidentally crushed herself with Usagi’s lunch.

Don’t ask how this happened, I think it involves impossible physics

Ms Haruna, Usagi’s teacher, ends up having to reprimand Usagi at school, not only for being late, but sleeping in class as well. Both seem rather disappointed in Usagi at this time. It’s an experience I shared with most of my teachers at school.

Usagi is even more crushed at her missing bento. This girl requires several thousand calories per day just to keep functioning.

“I give up. Go play in the woods. And don’t come back”

Thus begins Usagi’s endless quest to find lunch.

She beings stalking around campus, staring at all the lovely-dovey couples sharing lunch, including Umino and Naru, but feels that it’s too pathetic for her to beg.

So she goes off to find Makoto to beg for her lunch, since she’ll feel less pathetic that way.

I honestly think this is one of my favourite episodes of Usagi’s ill-fated pissing about. She really is inescapably lovable and pathetic today.

Especially since she runs in the opposite direction that she should to find Ami and Makoto. Poor Usagi.

Makoto and Ami hear the familiar flute-tune of class-A lothario and inter-galatic douche-bag Seijuro (aka Ali the alien, which now that I write it looks like the title of a toddler’s TV programme.) He’s giving a performance to a crowd of hormonal teenage girls.

Makoto included.

“I love men who play phallic woodwind instruments.”

Ami makes a leap of logic that should have occurred about 6 episodes ago and realises that Seijuro transferred to their school around the same time as the Moonlight Knight began showing up.

AAAAAAND THE ALIENS, AMI. She doesn’t make that connection though. It’s a bit of a face-palm moment, really, especially since Makoto seems to take Ami’s words to heart, morphing her two crushes in her head.

Ugh. Please. No. It’s bad enough having Moonlight Knight, conflate the two douches, Makoto. Her fantasies of her feeding Seijuro lunch is really rather disturbing, although, as ever, she looks really quite adorable when she’s flushed and having weird sexy day dreams.

Seijuro is having to fend off offers of lunches from all the girls, who won’t take no for an answer. He speed-walks off with a large crowd of girls in tow, and Makoto, finding an unfortunate resolve, decides to “investigate” whether or not Ginga Seijuro is in fact Moonlight Knight.

“Please, ladies. I know I’m impossibly attractive, with this creepy eyes and brittle, wispy hair and my pale, clammy skin, but one at a time.”

So gung-ho is she that she slaps Ami on the back, which slams to poor girl into the floor looking rather injured.

“…I’ll get you for this you bitch. Also, ow.”

That’s pretty damn funny.

Also funny is Seijuro attempting to escape his admirers. Eventually he turns a corner and uses his powers to jump onto a school roof.

The only one who notices this clearly paranormal ability is Makoto, who now has rather convincing evidence that he is, in fact, Moonlight Knight.

OR A GODDAMN ALIEN, MAKOTO. No?

Seijruo, on the roof, is having a bit of a fish-out-of-water moment, being confused about this “bento” thing those girls were yelling about. He must have been living on Earth for about 2 months now, and yet he still doesn’t sodding know anything, does he?

Makoto bursts onto the roof at this point, out of breath, flushed, and looking just wonderful if I may be so bold.

I have never seen anyone so happy holding lunch before

We cut back to Ami, finishing off her lunch one-handed, while she uses to other to type on a keyboard. She looks so lovably nerdy here.

Ami is using a programme to check if Seijuro could be the Moonlight Knight – the possibility is, apparently, 0.2%. I want to know what algorithm she’s using, and why she hasn’t used this stupid programme before.

“The probability that Nicolas Cage is the Moonlight Knight is… 94.7%?”

It’s at this point that Usagi finally finds Ami, in a dreadful state. I told you, this girl needs constant calories to stay alive. She’s completely distraught to find that Ami has finished her lunch. He pain is our gain, of course.

If she was really that hungry, she could eat the box

Meanwhile, on the roof, Seijuro is having an unnerving encounter with a little cocktail sausage that Makoto has cut to look like an octopus with a happy face. This is a common enough culinary technique in Japan, but Seijruo seems… frightened?

“WHY HAS IT GOT A FACE?” – actual line

It’s pretty funny. I like this scene a lot, of him trying to figure out “food”, to realising that he likes it, to beginning to pig out he’s bulimic .

Meanwhile, Makoto is asking things like “I don’t suppose you like roses and running around in a cape, by any chance?” but the big alien freak isn’t listening. He’s more focused on asking her why “people give people they like lunches?” like he’s on the autism spectrum or something.

Someone who is quite aware of what ‘giving someone a hand-made lunch’ means is Natsumi, aka En. She’s super pissed that Seijuro is eating another girl’s lunch. It’s rather alarming actually.

“Oh no I’m not angry, I just over-did the eye shadow this morning.”

She strides over to the pair with “Seijuro, stop putting unknown objects into your body!” which I bet isn’t the first time she’s had to tell him that, the dirty bastard.

Mako is pissed off at this, of course. They begin arguing above Seijuro, who has begun unconcernedly shovelling food into his stupid face like he’s diabetic.

If you’re keeping score, I just called Seijuro bulimic, autistic and diabetic, and I expect angry emails from you at once.

His ridiculous eating eventually causes him to choke, and the girls couldn’t care less, which is hilarious.

He’s choking on his own self-satisfied hubris. Also, sausage.

At the end of the school day, Ms Haruna sums up Usagi’s ineptitudes; she turned up late, with no homework, fell asleep in the morning, and then again in the afternoon. Again, both seem just tired than angry or upset. Poor girl. This must be a record.

On her slow walk home, Usagi is finally met by Luna and her lunch. Usagi’s pure unadulterated joy at getting food really is rather touching. As I said, I love her in this episode, and she has nothing to do with the main story whatsoever.

OK, forget what I said earlier, THIS is the happiest I’ve seen anyone holding lunch,

Seijuro and Natsumi are arguing on the way home. She can’t believe that he would defile their world of love, where they’re only nurtured by the energy of the Doom Tree.

Question, though: Seijuro seems fine with eating human food. Maybe the two of them should just, I dunno, try eating food to get their energy instead of attacking people? I think it would be a lot more efficient.

Still, imagine what will happen when Seijuro has his first ever poo from eating food. He’ll be screaming, “holy shit what’s happening to my asshole!? What’s this stuff coming out of me!? Am I gonna die or something!?” is how I imagine it goes.

“OH GOD THE SMELL.”

Makoto, being tenacious and unable to read the mood, interjects and asks Seijuro if he wants to walk home with her. Natsumi walks off in a huff.

Oh she’ll be back.

Seijuro and Makoto are in a park. Seijuro seems quite as interested in talking to Makoto as she is to him, but for rather different purposes. He’s still asking about “the relationship between lunch and liking someone,” (DUDE IS SUPER AUTISTIC) which Mako finds a shade bit insane.

“Is there something wrong with you?”
“Yes, and I’ll thank you not to be so insensitive to my disorder.”

All this time, by the way, Natsumi is staring at them from a bush crazy pissed off – she’s never been this psychotic, not even when Seijuro repeatedly hit on Usagi. She turns into En and we all know shit’s gonna get ugly.

“No one sits next to MY man but ME.”

I’ll just say that I dislike story-lines centred around “bitches be crazy, yo!” – women are usually seen as the crazy, hormonal, jealous girlfriend/wife/stalker, as if they’re just so emotional that they can’t be rational. It’s old, it’s boring, but I’m willing to go along with it.

Just this once. Or I’ll throw down.

We get a scene of Usagi finding out from Ami that Makoto is on a “date” with Seijuro, while Usagi eats rice like a pig – it’s flying everywhere and plastering poor Ami.

Again, she’s amazing in this episode. Top form, Usagi!

Usagi resolves to stalk the two of them She’s not interesting in Seijuro, but feels rather betrayed that he has apparently switch romantic loyalties. This… fits her. Yup.

Seijuro, meanwhile, isn’t doing well on his “date”, expounding on his creepy philosophy of “love is something you should take,” which is exactly what we want to be teaching all the kids these days, eh?

Makoto is, understandably, creeped out by this sudden transformation into a rapist, and realises that this bloviated pig is a complete idiot.

And then En busts in.

She’s so pissed off, blasting Seijuro and Makoto over, before stepping on Makoto’s bento box, which really seems to piss Mako off more than anything else.

“Kill that dude all you want but NO ONE STEPS ON MY BENTO.”

Usagi and Ami, ready to stalk up the place, see En being a bit of a poo-face, and, even though they’re a bit confused, transform.

Sailor Moon jumps in rather irritable, calling En a “INTERFERING NUISANCE!” despite the fact that she was just about to interfere in Mako’s “date” herself.

Sailor Moon is interrupted herself by dark energy launched from Ali. Turns out that, even though he was chatting with Mako and was blasted by En, he’s very much still on his girlfriend’s side.

He kisses her to make it all better like an ignorant pig again (seriously, this relationship is fucked up and yet I have seen the very same dysfunction in many couples), and she’s suddenly totally OK with him again.

May as well throw out another psychological disorder out there – En feels totally bi-polar

She blushingly picks a rather bizarre cardian of the day: Utonberrino. I like this thing. It’s stupid – it’s “lunch-themed”, in a Japanese sense of the word anyway, and it just makes me smile at how silly it is.

Utonberrino moves into skewer Sailor Moon (who acts typically as the bait), while Makoto gears up for PAY-BACK, transforming into Sailor Jupiter.

Voted “Most Likely to end up as a Diversion”

Utonberrino launches its next attack (it has what appears to be bits of rice on its face, rather like Usagi usually does while eating) – all Senshi get bound by seaweed wraps (lol), but Sailor Moon and Mercury then get even more wrapped into a big seaweed ball and thrown atop a fountain (lol).

“This would be humiliating if it didn’t happen every week.”

It’s weird to think that this isn’t the first time we’ve seen giant seaweed balls being used as a weapon in this is insane anime.

Sailor Jupiter, meanwhile, is freed by a white rose and – yes – Moonlight Knight appears in the flesh to give some bullshit speech about “the moonlight still shines on those who wander after losing their love” and junk.

“Thank god I finally found you, I’ve been floating around this park all evening.”

For me, taking the piss out of Moonlight Knight is just as pleasurable as watching the show. His douchiness actually enhances my viewing pleasure, although I’m guessing this wasn’t the intention.

Moony’s stupid bullshit inspires Sailor Jupiter… somehow… to launch a NEW ATTACK! Yay! The Supreme Thunder Dragon, which is pretty much what it says on the tin.

It’s like normal electricity, but it’s, like, SHAPED like something, so it’s more powerful

It’s pretty cool. Don’t expect to see it too much.

With Utonberinno down, Sailor Venus pops in to throw a Crescent Beam shower at Ali and En, and Sailor Mars uses Fire Soul to free Sailor Moon and Mercury form the seaweed.

“…there must’ve been an easier way to do this.”

Well, sort of. It also burns both of them to a crisp. Poor Mercury looks especially woebegone.

“…another bitch to add to the list.”

Sailor Moon pulls out the old Moon Princess Halation attack to turn poor Utonberrino into dust, and realising that they’re completely rubbish, Ali and En run away.

Moonlight Knight, having accomplished next to nothing, spews out some more empty platitudes that include the word “love”, and Jupiter realises… somehow… that Seijuro couldn’t possibly be Moonlight Knight because he’s so fucking stupid.

Oh well, she seems happy enough.

Note that no one asks where Seijuro disappeared to . Mainly because no one gives a shit. THAT’S the best ending

The episode ends rather endearingly with Ali and En. Ali is rather pleased with himself, having made a bento for En. It’s pretty miserable.

The intention is to show En his affection in the “Earthling way”, so it’s the thought that counts I guess. It certainly wouldn’t be the taste.

En is, super happy about this, but neither of them are actually sure what to do with the pile of food now that it’s arranged.

“Well I put the last lunch in my mouth, maybe we could try other holes this time?”

It’s a funny and sort of sweet way to conclude a story that has mostly been about how awful these two are to each other.

Episode Score: 4/5

Monster Score: 3/5

How Tasty Does Mako’s Bento Look?: Like, SUPER Tasty

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