Alternative Title: Yuichiro is a Pimp

First Aired: 24th July 1993

Rei’s Grandpa has quit being a priest, and has decided to found a self-defence school for attractive women. This drives Rei to anger and despair, as Grandpa gets himself into more and more trouble when Koan infiltrates the class to imbue a Crystal Point with Dark Powers. Rei must defend her Grandpa from brutal physical attacks, and her resolve inspires new levels of power from our lovely Sailor Mars.

This isn’t the greatest episode in the world. It’s a bit too… seedy for my liking. I’ve always found Rei’s grandpa more concerning than funny, and it really is his vehicle today.

Saying that, it’s funny, it looks good, there’s more skin here than on a walrus, by no means a dud. And, of course, any episode where Rei gets a new move is OK by me.

The episode opens on a rather crestfallen Grandpa sweeping the shrine, at a loss for why girls have stopped coming to the shrine recently. Bland innocent Yuichiro (he hasn’t been in the show for a while!) also seems to be at a loss.

“Maybe they can’t be bothered to climb the 200 steps to the shrine?”

The answer comes from Rei, who reveals that Nanako Magazine has recently published an article warning women to stay away from Hikawa Shrine because of the dirty old man trying to molest everyone.

It even has advice to call the police if he tries anything.

Considering he’s just been outed a sexual predator in a publication, Grandpa is naturally horrified, but Rei seems, bizarrely, rather happy about all this, hoping public vilification will teach him a lesson.

“I hope spending the last few years of your life in prison will teach you a lesson!”

So, your grandfather is called a sexual predator by a magazine, correctly, and you don’t really have more of a reaction than that?

That’s weird.

Grandpa decides to quit Shintoism (it was holding him back anyway) and leaves the shrine to Rei. She’ll do a much better job running it I dare say, considering she won’t molest strangers. Hopefully.

Meanwhile, Usagi is getting frisked in her sleep by Chibi-Usa. Man, there really is something in the air today…

“She probably keeps the Ginzuishou in her bra, right?”

Anyway, she’s looking for the Ginzuishou, but Usagi, having caught her, decides to give her a wee corporal punishment.

Considering what happened the last time she spanked Chibi-Usa, I’m not sure this is such a good idea.

“Eh, if she gets murdered by magical strangers, it was still totally worth it”

This time, Chibi-Usa is just left enormously irate, swearing to become stronger than Usagi and get her own back.

I like how Usagi suddenly remembers she has more important things to do and just throws Chibi-Usa on the floor. Physical punishment is, from my perspective, not funny. Except for here, of course.

The Sailor Senshi are all working at the shrine. I think they just wanted an excuse to put them all in shrine maiden’s gear, and for good reason – they all look great. We were teased with Makoto and Minako in this get-up earlier in the series.

Just keep them dressed like this at all times please

The shrine seems to be doing much better now that they’ve gotten rid of the serial rapist and replaced him with young attractive women. Funny how that works.

Makoto asks Rei what kind of job Grandpa got, and Rei says that “He’s started something weird…”

Oh boy.

In a side building, with a sign above it saying “Protect Esthe”, Granpda and Yuichiro are wearing leotards and sparring.

“Something weird” doesn’t quite cut it

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. This is really weird, even for Sailor Moon. If I were Rei I’d be sticking Grandpa in a home.

At the very least we get to see the most we’ve ever seen of Yuichiro and, well, he’s a stud.

This must be the only hairy armpit in the entirety of Sailor Moon. I mean, I think so?

Rei and Grandpa get in a proper heated argument over whether Protect Esthe is ridiculous or not, as well as whether it’s wrong to try and have sex with teenage girls when you’re in your 60s. Just for the record, Rei is against that.

Normally arguments like these have two sides, but really, who is going to defend Grandpa

Granpda instead turns to Usagi and Chibi-Usa to ask them whether they would like to join Protect Esthe. Usagi, having a brain, laughs and runs away, but she has to come back and rescue Chibi-Usa, who seems rather keen to join up.

“…I’ve got to go call the police.”

That’s right, Usagi felt the need to protect a 6 year old from being left alone around this guy. You can see why a lot in this episode makes me rather uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, on the Black Moon UFO, Rubeus informs the Phantom Sisters that Koan is already out on a mission to convert a Crystal Point by filling it with Dark Power. What are the odds, it’s the building where Grandpa is running Protect Esthe. Of course it is.

The other sisters are rather upset with Rubeus for continuing giving jobs to Koan, and we get a moment of absolute hilarity when Rubeus seems rather worried about his inferiors ganging up on him.

His arrogance is so pronounced that it’s always worthwhile seeing him pricked

Out on the street outside Hikawa Shrine, Grandpa is, as usual, striking out. He keeps trying to offer flyers for Protect Esthe out to women on the street, but none are biting, preferring to run away in disgust.

OK, I know I called him a rapist earlier, but I felt rather sorry for Grandpa at this point. Don’t get too excited though, my sympathy for him is about to run out quick.

Chibi-Usa obviously feels a bit of sympathy too, and offers to join. Grandpa is not too impressed with this idea, but he’d prefer to teach self-defence to a 6 year old than to die alone and miserable.

“I always offer to spend hours alone with strangers dressed in a leotard.”

Yuichiro returns to his master, having gone to “recruit students” for Protect Esthe and, well, you remember how I said Yuichiro was a stud?

“I tried flirting with them, which didn’t seem to work,l so then I paid them”

Granpda has never been this happy. I’m back to having no sympathy for him again.

Koan takes a brief detour at night to inject Dark Power into the wrestling ring at Protect Esthe. I have no idea what her plan is, but I’ll tell you now – it’s going to be terrible.

If her plan ended here, it would be a pretty good day’s work. Alas…

The next day, Rei is understandably in a bad mood, considering her pseudo-boyfriend has picked up about 40 women, thus facilitating her pervert Grandpa’s lust. I’m surprised she’s not more angry if anything.

That’s Yuichiro’s throat

So yeah. Protect Esthe. It’s filled with leotard wearing women, including Koan.

This seems a little… unconvincing

Granpda enters the training room to applause, as if he’s a rock star or something. With all the adoring women, and Grandpa’s twitchy arousal, this is continuing to be rather creepy.

Koan instantly invites herself, and her brutish bodyguard, to be female instructors. Grandpa has no blood left in his head (it’s all rushed to other parts of his body) and mindlessly agrees to this rather odd arrangement.

And so the brutish bodyguard, who can say nothing but “Dumble” (I’m hoping she hasn’t got brain damage), pushes a very reluctant woman into the ring and starts pounding away.

“I just wanted to do a couple of squat thrusts, I don’t-“

Outside, Rei has finally noticed some evil energy in the area (I really think she forgets she has psychic powers sometimes), when Chibi-Usa rocks up to the door in her own leotard.

Pretty sure this is against the terms of Grandpa’s court order

Chibi-Usa is quite excited… until she sees Dumble slamming the poor woman into the floor. For once she decides to listen to Usagi and leaves while she still has arms.

Meanwhile, this is still happening…

…if wrestling was more like this I might actually watch it

But the women doesn’t seem overly hurt. In fact, she keeps getting angrier and angrier. Oh, so this is Koans plan. People fight in the ring, get angry and… er… Dark Power?

By the way this episode is really aggressive. There’s a bit where the woman gets kicked in the face.

Grandpa does sort of try to stop the mindless violence, but before he can do more than stutter a few feeble protests, Yuichiro re-enters the room with Rei and Usagi, determined to put an end to all this!

“I’M THE COACH”
“Where have you been?”
“…on the toilet.”

Koan now makes Granpda decide: will it be Yuichiro, selfless, loyal, an ability to pick up chicks like no one else on Earth? Or will it be the sexy but creepy lady he just met?

“Boobs. I pick boobs.”

…Did you have to ask? He picks Koan. His indecision is rather funny… but this really doesn’t make me appreciate Grandpa in the slightest. So pathetic.

The Senshi are all having a nice chat while on break from working at the shrine. Rei is obviously still furious about her Grapndpa, but Usagi, displaying insight I would not have thought possible, cottons on that the female coach (Koan) was pretty suspicious.

Meanwhile, at Protect Esthe…

It’s like a London nightclub at 4.30 in the morning

Yeah, this is still happening. Jesus.

Now all the women are in mortal combat, trying to kill one another, as dark energy fills the room.

Grandpa finally realises that something is wrong (WHAT GAVE IT AWAY YOU OLD BASTARD?) and leaps into the ring to do something about it. Apparently he’s still got some tricks up his sleeve because he’s able to disable all the Protect Esthe students with a single punch each.

Oh now he’s hitting women too?

He is formally a monster after all.

He’s not so hot against Dumble, who unleashes her true form. It’s somewhat less attractive than when she was a muscle-bound beauty. Now she looks more like David Bowie if he were the Hulk. This is the second bad guy I’ve compared to David Bowie thus far, if you’re keeping track.

BAM! This is going to be the front cover of my album

Just as Dumble is about to perform her ultimate attack, the Dumble Elbow Drop (it’s accurate, if not the most inspired of names) on an injured Granpda, but Rei has finally come to the rescue of her stupid pervert grandfather.

“Owwwwww this wasn’t worth it.”

And OW shit that look like it HURT. Right on the back of the knee. SO much physical violence today.

Grandpa tries to take care of Dumble again (he seems completely unconcerned about his granddaughter’s leg, or the fact a fucking monster has just appeared in front of him), but is about to be kicked in the face when…

“OK I didn’t learn the first time”

OW. JESUS. AGAIN? Rei, goddamn, you’re a TANK.

Dumble continues to kick Rei savagely in the back while she shields her Grandpa. It’s really unpleasant to watch, especially since Grandpa has been such a douche in this episode.

“Dumble OH GOD YOU’VE GOT A BEE ON YOUR BACK here let me get that for you.”

Dumble’s next named attack is the Double Lariat, which is. like, a generic energy blast. This time is Grandpa’s turn to take an attack for Rei (about time) and he’s convieniently knocked out.

I feel like he got off easy this week

I’m still not sure what Koan’s plan to turn this into a corrupted Crystal Point is. Turn up, be a bitch, beat up people…?

Usagi finally turns up. Seriously what has she been doing? Not sure what good she’s going to be. but let’s see.

Koan decides to enter the fray. I guess she was getting bored just watching Dumble piss about. She performs a rather weird looking “KOAN DARK POWER FLIP”, which involves her flying at Rei while wreathed in Dark Fire…

But Sailor Moon interrupts her attack with something we’ve never seen before – the Moon Princess Sceptre thing thrown in the air a bit like Moon Tiara Action! Weird eh? I like it.

That’s rather careless. Its not like she can get a spare one of those

Sailor Moon gives her usual entrance spiel… but Koan is notably unimpressed. I like this lady, even if she is a bit narcissistic.

Dumble shoots off one of those generic Double Lariat things (seriously, Dumble is pulling all the weight today. What an intimidating Droid! She may only say “Dumble” but she’s pretty cool) but… sigh… Tuxedo Kamen turns up.

“Hey I’m here! God it smells AWFUL.”

He’s still in my bad books for rather rudely dumping Usagi, I’m afraid, and is thus rather unwelcome. Sailor Moon can do a good enough job without being always saved by this idiot.

A quick tussle between Tux and Dumble is enough to throw the latter off-guard, and Sailor Moon turns Dumble to dust with a Moon Princess Halation.

After all her hard work, I would have liked her to put up more of a fight. Too bad. We have another enemy to deal with, however.

Koan isn’t running today.She uses Dark Fire (which still looks great) and the fight spills outside.

Rei, meanwhile, is having one of those “resolve strengthening moments” that the show loves so much, and the sight of her poor defenceless injured Grandpa (seriously, he look dead) gets her all FIRED UP (if you get my drift.)

“No one knocks my Granpda unconscious except for me and his pharmacist”

We see Rei’s (a little bit) brand new transformation here. About time!

Sailor Mars uses Fire Soul against Koan’s Dark Fire. It looks great seeing the two attacks meet, but Dark Fire seems to have the edge.

Nothing like evenly matched energy blasts to get your blood pumping

Sailor Moon is about to run in and help (because why the fuck not?) when Tuxedo Kamen holds her back, saying that Mars will be OK. How the shit does he know?

“No it’s OK Ive read the episode synopsis on PrettySoldierProject.com already”

Well, he’s right, somehow. Sailor Mars is so pissed off that a brand new attack is formed – the Burning Mandala! We’re going to be seeing so much of this attack for the next 2 seasons.

It looks good, but I must confess that I prefer Fire Soul – it looks so much more… meaty as an attack. Remember that time Fire Soul destroyed everything?

Burning Mandala doesn’t actually hurt Koan… but it does set her stupid spiky skirt aflame, which is rather concerning as you might imagine. She runs off before she burns to death.

If anything its an improvement to your fashion sense, mmhm hrmmm *finger snaps*

Tuxedo Mask leaves, cold shouldering Sailor Moon once more, as another image of the future pierces his mind. Well he doesn’t have to be a dick about it, does he?

We’re supposed to forgive him as he murmurs “Sorry, Usako” as he leaves, but, well, I’ve made my opinions on his actions in this season clear.

“What a dick. I can’t believe I used to date that guy.”

Sailor Mars encourages Sailor Moon by pointing out that if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have turned up. Well at least she’s right about that.

The episode ends with the news that Grapnda has ceased Protect Esthe… and started “Protect Jazz Dance”.

What the fuck…?

Oh. Ohhhhh now I get it. It’s uh… Ok I don’t get it

Well, this time it’s apparently enticed no one to join, except for Chibi-Usa. With Grandpa, Yuichiro and Chibi-Usa all dancing to horrible MIDI calypso music, they’re all rather happy. It’s quite a sweet ending considering all the violence and implications of sexual assault.

Yeah that pretty much sums it up

All in all, a decent episode. It looks great, has a new attack and transformation, and is well written and funny, even if it is a bit a weird in places.

Episode Score: 3/5

Monster Score: 4/5 (all-punching, all-kicking, all-dumbling Dumble)

Number of Physical Attacks: I lost count after 20

Published by VK

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