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3:19 – Usagi’s Dance, In Time to a Waltz

Alternative Title: Haven’t We Been Here Before…?

First Aired: 17th September 1994

Usagi getting drunk

A rich old white man by the name of Edwards invites the group to a party to mix with international students. Terrified at the thought of having to speak English, Usagi gets a bit too merry with the “fruit juice” and gets absolutely wasted. This isn’t the best time to get hammered, as Eugeal turns up getting her swank on and ready to grab a Pure Heart.

This is a pretty good episode, with several moments that make me laugh uproariously. At the same time, I can’t say that it’s the most compelling of episodes – a lot of the ground covered here is actually rehashed scenarios from series 1. In a way like the throw-backs, but I can’t deny that the writers seem like they’re aping themselves.

Also: best English in a Sailor Moon episode ever.

The episode opens with a rather romantic and poetic Usagi in a daydream, which is rudely interrupted by the other girls: apparently they are studying in Mamoru’s apartment.

They claim they’re after tutoring from Mamoru. He rather suspects they’re just after his air conditioner. I’ve experienced Japan in the Summer, and I’ve watched Mamoru for 108 episodes thus far: they are definitely only there for his air conditioner. Mamoru whips out the English textbook, when something truly terrifying knocks on the door.

Usagi answers it, and there’s a great dramatic pause, as though he worst nightmare is standing there.

What is standing there is: A WHITE DUDE.

Cue dramatic music. NO, NOT A WHITE GUY

Cue dramatic music. NO, NOT A WHITE GUY

In shitty English: “Good afternoon, young lady,”

I AM EIGO NO NO.”

I am what? Oh! I see. You cannot speak English.

And then he breaks into suspiciously perfect Japanese to ask if Mamoru is around. I know that Usagi doesn’t look like she’s Japanese, but no one in this universe has had this problem yet. This is hilariously naive, especially since this voice actor is OBVIOUSLY Japanese.

It’s an INCREDIBLY Japanese attitude to think that only a Japanese voice actor would do to speak English lines.

I love the look Usagi gives this old guy when she realises that he speaks Japanese. It’s relieved, but it’s also a bit sly.

"Ohhh you're Japanese. You might wanna be careful, we tend to make tempura out of the English in this neighborhood."

“Ohhh you’re Japanese. You might wanna be careful, we tend to make tempura out of the English in this neighborhood.”

Mamoru introduces this dude as “Edwards“, which I find hilarious as the last time they tried to name a bunch of aristocratic English people in this show.

The other girls pop up to see this oddity, at which point I lose my shit at how funny this scene is.

Minako’s greeting is perfect (she lived in England for a while you may remember). Rei’s is alright. Ami’s is surprisingly stilted for being a model student. Makoto’s… well the less said about that the better.

I love how gung-ho she is about it.

So stupid old Edwards is out trying to score some chicks for his farty old man’s party, and sounds pretty creepy inviting all the girls to his “fun party”.

Go away Edwards, your wrinkly-ass face is reminding us all of death.

"You can tell that I'm English from my stupid fucking trilby."

“You can tell that I’m English from my stupid fucking trilby.”

OK, so Edwards lives in a European mansion on the outskirts of town… so there are two? I distinctly remember there being another one of these… not to mention the embassy of the Diamond Kingdom’s fancy-pants ball room.

They are, in fact, recycling quite a lot here. I won’t say that it comes off as stale, but having watched ALL THE SAILOR MOON continuously and on a loop for the rest of my life, I feel like the writers are separating their burnables from their plastics if you catch my drift.

Did… did you catch my drift?

Mamoru’s description of Edward’s philanthropy does not endear me to this creepy old man: “Edwards often invites young exchange students to his mansion and holds parties for them.

I kinda feel like he’s implying that they swap keys at these parties, if you catch my drift.

OK, seriously, did you catch my drift this time?

Everyone is thrilled at the thought of going to a swanky party with foreigners, especially Usagi, who is more into the idea of being there with Mamoru…

This is my party face too. Well actually my party face is covered in vomit, but I'd like to think I look like this

This is my party face too. Well actually my party face is covered in vomit, but I’d like to think I look like this

…until it’s pointed out that most of the conversation will be in English. At which point Mamoru breaks out the English textbook again.

This break’s Usagi’s already fragile mind, and she falls into an inescapably loop of joy at Mamoru’s company at a party “Mamo-chan to party!“, and horror at having to speak Japanese, “demo, Eigo…” which is repeated ad nauseum.

In my experience, Japanese people, though they study English at school, are extremely reticent to actually speak it to someone who actually speaks English, preferring to run away and find someone who’s confident.

That’s another day’s excellent study, girls.

That is the face of a person who has realised that he has settled.

That is the face of a person who has realised that he has settled.

So what’s out favourite nutty professor up to? Oh just checking out some classical music on a gramophone. Hang on… just because the music is old, it doesn’t mean you can’t play it on a CD, you know…

The Professor begins playing “Hope for the Future“, a piece he composed himself when young. It’s horrifying.

Ohhh he's a HIPSTER OK it's all falling into place

Ohhh he’s a HIPSTER. That explains the gramophone. OK it’s all falling into place

I love that he just walks away, leaving a distrubed Eugeal to listen to his garbage. Eugeal points out that despite him calling his piece a waltz… it’s clearly not a waltz. It’s not even in the correct time signature. I love how WEIRD you are, Professor.

"I've been on hold for 4 hours and they keep playing music that sounds as though I'm about to be murdered. Excellent customer service, Comcast."

“I’ve been on hold for 4 hours and they keep playing music that sounds as though I’m about to be murdered. Excellent customer service, Comcast.”

Actually, the piece is pretty damn brilliant. Pretty sure this is background music used later on the series for fairly important scenes.

So! We’re at the party. That was quick. It looks exactly the same as every other ball we’ve visited in Sailor Moon thus far. Bit weird to think that it’s more than one, let alone about half a dozen.

Usagi is still terrified at the thought of speaking English (she is awful, let’s not forget.)

Then some English-ass English people call out to Mamoru, who responds “Hi Josh!” Actually, you know what? English sounds horrible.

Look how disgustingly English they are. White people are gross.

Look how disgustingly English they are. White people are gross.

These guys are also clearly Japanese actors. You could have found any random gaijin off the street and they would have sounded better than this.

It’s pretty hilarious watching them approach slowly and seeing Usagi’s mounting horror at the English.

Usagi is super racist, you guys. She just HATES white people

Usagi is super racist, you guys. She just HATES white people

The creepy-ass dudes (“George” and “Ned” – not sure why but these stereotypical English names are hilarious to me) and their creepy-ass old man benefactor/pimp (I seriously suspect this Edwards of being a pimp) break into more perfect Japanese, much to the relief of the girls.They’re all shocked.

I don’t know why this is, but the Japanese have this incurable belief that foreigners couldn’t possibly speak their language well, so when it happens (which is all the bloody time) they act condescendingly impressed. Not throwing stones at you Japanese folk, just saying it’s a weird thing you guys do.

There I go generalising an entire race again. Tut tut, Vincent.

None of this good news about not having to speak English has reached Usagi however, who ran off at the sight of the creepy guys…

"This tastes like fun and failure. I think you and I are going to get to know each other quite well."

“This tastes like fun and failure. I think you and I are going to get to know each other quite well.”

…and has accidentally gotten smashed while checking her dictionary. Hey, we’ve all been there, right guys?

So lemme get this straight. Usagi. In a ballroom. At a swanky party. In a dress. Mistakes cocktails for fruit juice. Gets hammered.

Why does this happen twice in the same show? I don’t feel like they’re referencing the first occasion, I feel like they’re hoping you forgot the first time. Wish the writers were a teeeeensy bit more creative.

Naturally, Ami is the one stuck talking to the old pervert. Seems to be a common thing with her. Edwards breaks into a rather tepid explanation of wanting young people to socialise more, and then starts going on about “the rosy future,” which I believe is a fairly disgusting euphemism myself.

"You see Ami, when I say The Rosy Future, I'm really talking about my asshole." "Yes, Edwards, you keep explaining that. Please stop." "That's quite rosy of you, Ami. Much like the future."

“You see Ami, when I say The Rosy Future, I’m really talking about my asshole.”
“Yes, Edwards, you keep explaining that. Please stop.”
“That’s quite rosy of you, Ami. Much like the future.”

I know that the writers are trying to make a statement about the future and “yooves” and philanthropy of the rich, but none of this cheesy stuff is clicking for me here.

At least Minako, Rei and Makoto feel the same way as me. Shows me they aren’t taking themselves too seriously.

They're totally bitching Ami out right behind her. Why are you guys so meeeean?

They’re totally bitching Ami out right behind her. Why are you guys so meeeean?

And then..

"HEY GUYS ITS ME WE'RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN I'M SO DEPRESSED I'M GONNA CRY OH LOOK MORE BEER" - me

“HEY GUYS ITS ME WE’RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN I’M SO DEPRESSED I’M GONNA CRY OH LOOK MORE BEER” – me

Oh dear god.

Usagi is drunk off her face. This is actually pretty amazing stuff. All the recycled gags are worth it for Kotono Mitsuishi just having fun making Usagi sounds crazy and off her face.

I love that English-ass English dudes take her seriously and compliment her analogy of the theory of relativity to pudding.

Usagi, upon realising that these dudes speak English, becomes incredily racists again Japanese people, calling them “Edo kids” and asking if they want sushi. I think it’s OK coming from a Japanese person though, just like it’s OK for me to mock people of my own genetic background.

He praises Usagi for her "Individualism", which I suspect is code

He praises Usagi for her “Individualism”, which I suspect is code

Right…? That’s cool, right?

Everyone is, of course, horrified. Mamoru’s face when he realises Usagi’s drunk is unmissable, especially when she shaking white-dude’s hands for far too long and saying “Nice to meet you, cream stew!

AND THEN EDWARDS IS GROSS YOU GUYS. He grabs Usagi by the (bare) shoulders and asks her to come with him over here… My worst fears are confirmed.

All joking aside, this does come off as rather suspicious right here.

This is why they invented the buddy system. RUN, USAGI

This is why they invented the buddy system. RUN, USAGI

Edwards gets Mamoru to take the complete embarrassment that is his girlfriend aside.

Oh yeah, Haruka and Michiru are here… playing music…? It’s even the same Vivaldi piece from earlier in the series, you know the really crap one.

Hey wait a darn minute...

Hey wait a darn minute…

Also, what the fuck? Haruka plays piano? Why did this never come up before? AND it appears that Michiru has forgotten how to hold a violin.

"Someone help me, I've had a stroke. Why is no one helping me?

“Someone help me, I’ve had a stroke. Why is no one helping me?

Let’s leave before we tug on this plot hole thread any more and the entire episode unravels.

Usgai is college-girl drunk, and everyone is frantically trying to sober her up. Just let her have fun, guys. Or pass her more booze. She’ll tire herself out soon enough.

Yeah this looks way too familiar. The people below better have umbrellas, because it's about to start raining chunks

Yeah this looks way too familiar. The people below better have umbrellas, because it’s about to start raining chunks

After she’s a little better, the group rejoins the party to find Michiru after a dance with Mamoru. Usagi flatly refuses… until Haruka offers to dance with her instead, which she’s completely OK with.

I like seeing Haruka a little more lucy-goosey, having a bit of fun. Makes her serious moments that much more impactful I suppose.

-DANCING INTERLUDE-

I think they look better together than with Mamoru

I think they look better together than with Mamoru

Rei, Minako and Makoto are all so impressed by Haruka’s leading that they begin fighting over who gets the next dance with her via rock-paper-scissors, aka Jan-ken-pon in Japanese. Worth noting Ami’s derisive look at this development.

Ami is wondering if she can be bothered making new friends if she liquefied the old ones

Ami is wondering if she can be bothered making new friends if she liquefied the old ones

-ANOTHER DANCING INTERLUDE-

OK these guys look pretty good too

OK these guys look pretty good too

Mamoru and Michiru have a boring discussion of Edwards, on how he used to be a dick, but now he’s ok, which makes up for the fact that he drove people into bankruptcy and desolation. I made that last part up, but it’s sort of implied, I guess.

Eugeal turns up looking glam as FUCK. Yeah ladyyou ROCK that Chinese dress. See, this is why I like Eugeal so much. She knows when to bring the class.

Not having realised that Haruka has now been asked by 40 odd ladies to dance with her, the girls continue to Jan-ken in the background… and despite her judging them, Ami has joined in. I like that detail quite a bit.

Usagi got wasted at a party and she wasn't even the most embarrassing of her friends

Usagi got wasted at a party and she wasn’t even the most embarrassing of her friends

Anyway, it’s time Edwards made another creepy-ass move on the girls. He invites them to come walking with him in the garden… to show them a “special place“.

Oh come ON. How am I not going to interpret this as disturbing? They’re making it too easy for me. At least give me a challenge, Sailor Moon.

"I'm so lonely."

“I’m so lonely. Does pity turn you on?”

So the “special place” is a balcony… where Edwards treats the girls to another boring ass speech comparing humans to roses or something.

It’s so schmaltzy. No thanks.

Meanwhile, Eugeal is carrying out crowd control. She knows what she’s doing. The entire room gets gassed, as Edwards rushes in and tries to help a young lady still standing (he can’t keep away from the girls, can he?)…

"Lady, your farts are fucking disgusting. Please come to my special place. I'M SO LONELY"

“Lady, your farts are fucking disgusting. Please come to my special place. I’M SO LONELY”

…Surprise, mother fucker! She looks seriously evil today. I love it.

Daaaamn that's an evil look. Gosh I love Eugeal

Daaaamn that’s an evil look. Gosh I love Eugeal

So raise your hands if you thought Edwards was the bearer of a Talisman. Anybody?

Just to be sure, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune come blasting in, as usual. They like to attack first and introduce themselves later.

"We kick ass THEN talk shit. That's the smart way to battle."

“We kick ass THEN talk shit. That’s the smart way to battle.”

Now. This Daimohn. It’s a teensy bit brilliant.

Eugeal wonders what is taking so goddamn long for this Daimohn to appear, and it appears that the Daimohn is ridiculously-dressed, tripping up on its own hem

This is why you need battle-appropriate attire, dude.

Someone else has been drinking too, it seems

Someone else has been drinking too, it seems

Poor Eugeal has another interruption to deal with, the Inner Senshi turn up all mouthy today. Man, everyone just wants to talk talk talk. Eugeal sets Chiquon (actually her dress is rather nice) on the Senshi, before getting the hell out of there.

The battle is the usual affair, Chiquon kicking ass for a bit until Uranus finally decides to help the woeful Inner Senshi (seriously, they suck this season).

That looks pretty badass actually

That looks pretty badass actually

With her attire off, Chiquon is quite a bit more creepy. She’s apparently a walking gramophone…? Very weird design. Even weirder (it it were possible) is her next attack: Hell’s Waltz. This, uh, attacks with actual giant musical notes. It’s very strange.

"This makes no sense. I'm going home until you start taking this seriously."

“This makes no sense. I’m going home until you start taking this seriously.”

Eventually Tuxedo Kamen appears to bust up Chiquon a bit, and he spouts nonsense as usual, aaaaaand Sailor Moon kills it.

You’ll notice I definitely skip over the battles a lot more in my reviews. This is because they’re so frequently not as interesting as the rest of the episode. Same as it is here.

"OK lemme kill you so I can get back to the alcohol and dancing, yeah?"

“OK lemme kill you so I can get back to the alcohol and dancing, yeah?”

The part continues… for some reason…? Seriously, everyone was knocked out cold with gas, and then decide to continue partying. Gotta admire their dedication.

It’s pretty silly seeing Edwards blink around saying “Did I fall asleep or something?” – you were shoot in the bloody chest, bro.

Usagi is finally dancing with Mamoru (only took a monster attack to finally happen), and the other girls fight over who is next to dance with Haruka…

Well ain't that nice? Of course half the guests leave with severe neurological damage after being exposed to Eugeal's nerve gas

Well ain’t that nice? Of course half the guests leave with severe neurological damage after being exposed to Eugeal’s nerve gas

…meanwhile Uranus and Neptune have a much better grasp on the situation then they do, as Uranus thinks on the Silence that is approaching as a rather depressing end, as credits roll.

This is probably foreshadowing of the mood that comes in over the next three episodes, as the main plot finally moves on to fairly awesome heights. Seriously, it’s about to get soooo good.

All in all, a serviceable episode, memorable in a number of places, but only for its humour. There’s not much going on here.


Episode Score: 3/5

Monster Score: 3/5

Final Thought: If Edwards were a truly selfless philanthropist, he would put his money to work helping those in the worst predicaments instead of hosting parties for evidently wealthy young people. Look at how the 1% live. YOU BASTARD, EDWARDS.

NEXT TIME: Yet another amazing Minako episode as she goes fucking nuts in an attempt to have her Pure Heart stolen. Also, revelations and stuff.

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6 Comments »

  1. I just realized that the music piece Tomoe had put together was used in episode 34 before Usagi transformed. Always thought that this music piece was called literally ‘Elevator Music’ up until now.

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