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4:6 – Artemis’ Affair!? A Mysterious Kitten Appears

Alternative Title: So Is It Technically Bestiality, Or…?

First Aired: 22nd April 1995

Diana

Artemis is shocked when a small grey talking kitten appears, claiming he’s her father. Luna does not take this well, especially after Artemis has been eyeing up a particularly attractive nun in the neighbourhood. As the Senshi gossip about the state of Artemis and Luna’s relationship, Tigers-Eye makes his move against his next target.

So an Artemis heavy episode eh? We haven’t had one of those since the Animal Kingdom episode waaaay back in Sailor Moon R. I seem to recall liking the episode in spite of Artemis’ whiny and petulant lead. It’s hard for me to feel to much sympathy for someone who was generally rather spiteful to Usagi back in the day, but there have been moments when I’ve really appreciated him. In this episode, he’s more sinned against than sinning, and it’s rather astonishing to see everyone around him lose all faculties of logic to see him as a bad guy.

But there you are.

I love this opening. It’s rather classic, actually, hearkening back to the awkward threes-company situations of Sailor Moon R. Mamoru is helping Chibi-Usa with her math problems when Usagi becomes insanely jealous, butting in with her own work book in order to score attention. Chibi-Usa points out that Usagi is trying to shove an upside-down book in Mamoru’s face and… well… yelling ensues.

"FEMINISTS LOL"

“This is like being in the middle of a Twitter argument”

Mamoru tries to play the referee but this attitude is rather expertly destroyed by Chibi-Usa, who calls him “Papa” (AMAZING) and gives him the googly eyes to get him to stay and help her. It’s adorable. And it completely works…. but not on Usagi, who suggests Chibi-Usa will die alone because she’s too stupid to get married. JESUS she’s the best mum in the world, is she not?

The beautiful moment is broken up by Luna and Artemis, the former eager to “dob him in” as they say in England. Luna is teasing Artemis about having been taken aback by a beautiful Catholic nun, in the habit and all. She’s acting a little peculiar here. I would say that she’s masking jealousy in a flippant mocking attitude, but she’s so good at it that it just looks like she’s “ripping the piss out of him“, as they say. How’s that for an Englishism?

"OMFG dat new burger @ KFC LOL"

“They call it a Double Down…”

Mamoru gets himself into trouble by saying Artemis has a good eye since the nun in question is beautiful, which gets him reprimanded. Yeah it’s a hacky joke we’ve seen a million times in sitcoms, but I like it. This episode is making me smile warmly, even if I’m not guffawing.

Mamoru leaves Usagi and Chibi-Usa with maths problems, threatening to not come by anymore if they fail to complete them. My my my. The hubris on this man, eh? Your presence is that precious that you can hold it over women, eh? EH? Either way, he leaves with Artemis, which seems fitting since there’s something rather similar about the both of them… some condescending attitude perhaps.

Seriously though, I do like them both, but it’s funny to “stick a candle up their bottoms” as we say in England (seriously).

"Hey dude you wanna grab some beers and bro out about how crazy women are?"

“Hey dude you wanna grab some beers and bro out about how crazy women are?”

The three remaining discuss Artemis, and overtly, flat out ask if Luna realises that Artemis loves her. Rather bold for old Sailor Moon, eh? Lots of memories of Sailor Moon S: The Movie are flooding back. Usagi comments on how cold Luna can be… the subtitling I have actually has her call her “frigid” which is remarkably cavalier. Eventually their manipulative gossiping seems to affect Luna.

I’ll say now that I love the art in this episode. Luna and Artemis don’t look like they have meat buns for heads like a lot of the Sailor Moon animators seem to think they do, and I love the character designs. It looks like a lot of the best stuff from Sailor Moon R, which is a big tick.

I like Usagi and Chibi-Usa bickering, but I love it more when they team up against Luna

I like Usagi and Chibi-Usa bickering, but I love it more when they team up against Luna

Mamoru is carrying Artemis and having a good old chat about the wandering eye of men when a teensy grey cat appears, calling Artemis “Father!” Weeeeell if you’ve seen Sailor Moon Crystal this is somewhat ruined, really, but this is Diana. She’s adorable… but saccharine. I feel like I’m eating lumps of sugar every time she speaks.

I love that her arrival is met with tense “trouble brewing” music. Poor Diana is a negative plot device hahahaha.

"LOOK HOW CUTE I AM. LOOK. NOW GIVE ME YOUR WALLET."

“LOOK HOW CUTE I AM. LOOK. NOW GIVE ME YOUR WALLET.”

So Artemis is freaking out since he’s apparently fathered a talking kitten, but this is nothing to how Luna reacts standing right behind him. You’d think at this point someone would put two and two together, or even the goddamn kitten would speak up and realise Luna is her mother but NOOOOOPE we need to milk this situation for as long as possible. I find this annoying… but then again Luna is hilarious in her anger at the thought that Artemis has been sleeping with other cats.

You know, there’s some rather mature subject matter in here today. The constant implication is that Artemis has had his end away with another cat, one which we can presume is not a talking cat since they aren’t that common. So what, is that bestiality? He’s sentient, wouldn’t it be rather inappropriate for him to mate with an alley cat? Are Artemis and Luna destined, nay forced, to procreate with one another simply because there is no alternative given to them? Yes, this is what goes though my head when I watch Sailor Moon.

"Dear /r you'll never believe what happened to me today..."

“Dear /r you’ll never believe what happened to me today…”

Dead Moon Circus time. We’re actually seeing the Amazon Trio perform!? This is rare. They’re normally just getting drunk. I like that the circus is empty but there’s still eerie applause echoing around. Zirconia turns up and MY GAWD she has trouble saying Tigers-Eye, Fish-Eye and Hawks-Eye. It’s like she’s throwing up in her mouth as she says them. Which is fitting considering her opinion of them, I suppose.

Zirconia gives them a lacklustre telling off (she lets them get away with  being utterly incompetent all the damn time) and they end up in the bar, upset and drunk. Tigers-Eye spots “an incredibly pure maiden” he thinks has the best shot at having Pegasus hiding in their dream. It’s the goddamn nun. He’s going to try and seduce a nun. I’m curious to see how he thinks this is going to go down, but yeah, fucking creepy, T.E.

"You know guys, I've been feeling far too unblemished recently. Time to assault a nun, that'll do it."

“You know guys, I’ve been feeling far too unblemished recently. Time to assault a nun, that’ll do it.”

We cut to this very nun giving the Lord’s Prayer in a church, and I’m reminded strongly of Sailor Moon S. I wonder whatever happened to that monstrosity of a marine cathedral off the coast of Tokyo supposedly being built… It’s interesting to hear the words I used to have to say daily at school as a kid (I was raised Catholic) translated into Japanese. I’m fairly certain that at no point in my brief ecclesiastical tenure did I ever look this happy reciting a prayer.

10/10 wud bang

“Dear God, please cleanse this land of these squinty-eyed Buddhist heathens.”

Of couse she’s being stalked by Usagi and Chibi-Usa, who have come to check out the woman Mamoru found so attractive. Chibi-Usa remarks that she’s so pretty she’ll start telling everyone she’s her mother instead, which I found hilarious. You don’t get this brilliant parent-child relationship in anything else in anime, then or now. It’s humour unique to Sailor Moon, and I really appreciate it.

You know, considering that I don’t get on well with Sailor Moon SuperS on the whole, I’ve really been enjoying these early episodes so far…

"Man, I can't fault Mamoru for thinking she's cute, because daaaayum."

“Man, I can’t fault Mamoru for thinking she’s cute, because daaaayum.”

Artemis arrives home and enters Minako’s room. She has her face turned away from him, and sounds… peculiar. It’s like something out of a horror film. She’s terrifying as she asks him “who is your owner” in a trilling voice. He obviously finds this weird, seeing as they’re partners who fought evil together. She goes on to ask Artemis what he’s been hiding, and we get the foot-in-the-mouth scene where he runs his mouth off on all sorts of crimes he’s perpetrated against her.

It’s really, really funny seeing her mounting rage.

This scene, as brilliant as it was, just served to remind me how much I love these characters' relationship and how little we get of it

This scene, as brilliant as it was, just served to remind me how much I love these characters’ relationship and how little we get of it

When she finally turns around with a phone in her hand, having heard the news about Diana from Usagi, Minako is terrifying. It’s the fact that something interesting happened to someone else, an she wasn’t the first to know. That’s amazing. It’s so damn funny. It is bitter-sweet, however, because she and the other Inner Senshi have had so little so do thus far in Sailor Moon SuperS. It’s ridiculous, they’re such great characters, relegated to these amazing but brief moments.

The scene ends with Minako screaming at him to “show integrity as a male!” which is hilarious, if conformist to gender stereotypes. Can’t win them all, Minako.

Worth pointing out again that Minako is pissed not because she thinks Artemis slept around, just that she wasn't the first to know

Worth pointing out again that Minako is pissed not because she thinks Artemis slept around, just that she wasn’t the first to know

The other girls are trying to get the dirt out of Luna, telling her to dump Artemis’ ass. She’s being waaay to cool about Artemis having a kitten out of wedlock. It’s a great performance, actually. You get that brittle busy-bodyness of Luna over this definite rage. Usagi being two steps behind everyone else is particularly funny.

Aaaaand Tigers-Eye tries to hit on a nun, who ends up telling him to find Jesus, because he’s sure as hell the only one who will love him.

Tigers-Eye attacks almost immediately. I’ve stopped even understanding their motivations now. Before it seemed important for them to successfully capture the heart of their victims before they attacked them, but he hasn’t really hit on the nun at all. He just spouted shit about love, she told him that God likes him however lame he is, and bam he attacks. The Modus Operendi, as flimsy as it was, is breaking down a little here.

Either way, it’s just a vehicle for us to get to the climax.

I mean... Jesus. This feels wrong.

I mean… Jesus. This feels wrong.

Artemis, walking about in the doldrums, sees the nun getting attacked. It’s unpleasant as ever. There’s something particularly heinous about all of this. While not adhering to the Catholic church any longer, I still have a residual respect for their authority and devotion, even if that was scared into me by my terrifying Junior School head mistress Sister Rosario. Irish nun, you know. Terrifying.

With Tigers-Eye leering over her, the nun raises her crucifix and begins begging God for help, and he actually staggers back for a bit. She’s so kind-hearted that she asks if he’s ok instead of stepping on his balls and running away. Of course this is all an act, which is scary as hell, but I also saw the humour in the reference to warding off demons too.

As her mirror pops out, Tigers-Eye actually says “looks like your god doesn’t exist“, which is rather ballsy don’t you think?

"The power of Christ COMPELS YOU to cover that midriff, because dang."

“The power of Christ COMPELS YOU to cover that midriff, because dang that shit is flat.”

This is the moment when we finally get Sailor Venus coming into the fight! Yeeeeahhhh she’s BACK! ALSO she’s god? Seriously, Sailor Moon SuperS, give me more of the other Senshi please. Oh yeah, Artemis is there too but who gives a shit.

Venus tries to give a big dramatic entrance, but like a complete bigot Tigers-Eye dismisses her as “ugly“, which naturally pisses Venus off no end.

Also she's Jesus now apparently. Second in line to Sailor Moon of course.

Also she’s Jesus now apparently. Second in line to Sailor Moon of course.

Soooo what Remless will we have today? Something appropriately circus-themed? What about religious then? The last time we had a person of the church on Sailor Moon we got one of the best monsters, Boxxy, from the pun of “priest” sounding like “boxing” in Japanese.

Ah. “The giant plush Kigurumiko.” What the fuck? How is this anything to do with anything?

Ok now she’s a giant kangaroo boxer… I know Sailor Moon monsters are weird, but this feels disjointed too. So yeah, they’re playing on that same pun as before I believe, but it’s hard to tell.

"Hey remember when the monsters used to be vaguely scary? Yeah I miss those, this just feels sad."

“Hey remember when the monsters used to be vaguely scary? Yeah I miss those, this just feels sad.”

Venus and the Remless go head to head as Tigers-Eye realises that the nun has no Pegasus in her dream. He prepares to kill her, but Artemis swoops in to distract him. Tigers-Eye does not take this well, and orders Kigurumiko to fuck-up Artemis too… which she does… by stuffing him in her pouch. I have literally no idea where this episode is going with this action. I have to admit that I found none of this particularly interesting.

It is revealed, however, that any damage the Remless takes Artemis receives too, which is only really good in the fact that Sailor Venus can now punch him in the face and claim it was in the name of justice. This mechanic seems… kinda lame. Not feeling it, even though I like Venus in battle.

"Oh shit I'm hurting Artemis" *attacks harder*

“Oh shit I’m hurting Artemis” *attacks harder*

Enter Super Sailor Moon and Chibi-Moon. Also the other Senshi, who don’t do much. I do love Sailor Mars’ intro, which seems begruding to support any other religious organisation which hurts her family business of, you know, Shintoism. She’s a pragmatic shrine maiden, I’ll give you that.

Sooooo the action starts. No one can attack the thing because they don’t want to hurt Artemis, despite his resolve to take anything they can give him. I say go for it, girls. He’s asking for it after all.

Even Luna jumps in, trying to free him, and gets squashed as a result. It’s been aaaaages since she’s been injured in the line of duty, happened all the time in season 1 didn’t it? Either way, this incenses Artemis enough that he shouts “what are you doing to my Luna!?” which I guess is romantic? Either way, he FINALLY thinks of just biting the Remless until she whips him out of her pouch. Which was the only thing stopping her getting murdered by the Senshi.

Smart move.

"Biting this thick polyester costume should distract her... somehow... I mean it's not like this is actually her skin or anything."

“Biting this thick polyester costume should distract her… somehow… I mean it’s not like this is actually her skin or anything.”

Tuxedo Kamen turns up, literally just to whip out the grey kitten from before, and Sailor Chibi-Moon recognises her as Diana.

Oh yeah, there’s interrupted by the fact they still have to kill Kigurumiko with a Moon Gorgeous Meditation, but we’re all about the Jerry Springer storyline right now. You have to wonder why Chibi-Usa, knowing Diana’s parentage, wouldn’t have just told Artemis as soon as she turned up, but whatever helps the plot along.

"HI GUYS LOOK WHAT I FOUND oh shit you're totally in a battle, I'll come back later."

“HI GUYS LOOK WHAT I FOUND oh shit you’re totally in a battle, I’ll come back later.”

So yeah, Diana is Luna and Artemis’ kid, and she’s sticking around. I love how everyone realises that the cats get it on (Ami blushing is especially funny to me). This reminds me strongly of that moment in Sailor Moon R when they were told that Chibi-Usa was the kid of Mamoru and Usagi.

"So Luna, is it true that cat penises have sharp barbs?"

“So Luna, is it true that cat penises have sharp barbs?”

Despite the genetic evidence that she bones Artemis in front of her, Luna is still pissed off at Artemis for lusting after a nun… despite the fact she totally did the same to an astronomer in Sailor Moon S: The Movie. Considering she made out with a human that time, then flew him about space, you’d think she’d be a little understanding if she caught him looking at another lady.

Either way, Artemis is doubling innocent, since he reveals that he was making starry eyes not at the nun, but at the church, since it’s where he imagine he and Luna would get married.

Yeah I don’t think the Catholics are going to be too thrilled at a cat wedding, mate. But nice dream. I do like this, despite the silly situation and the kitchyness of it all. Artemis remarks that he now knows how Mamoru feels, who decides to stick his foot in his mouth one last time for the road, as he says “you’ll be in lots of trouble from now on!

Yeeeeah Usagi and Chibi-Usa aren’t ones to take that joke well, dude.

And Diana is almost a complete non-entity, barely saying anything or doing anything. This will be a theme this season… They really made her much less of a character than the manga. Here she’s just another cute side character we’ll see every 5 episodes or so.

"Mwahahaha now to bet on the horse races for the next thousand years..."

“Mwahahaha now to bet on the horse races for the next thousand years…”

I like a lot of this episode. It moves well, we get to see see characters that have been ignored for a long while, the art is nice, the jokes land well. It’s never going to be top of anyone’s list, but it’s inoffensive and leaves you in a good mood.


 

 

Episode Score: 3/5 (remember guys, 3 is good)

Monster Score: 2/5 (Didn’t like Kigurumiko’s design or execution, but there were a few cool action shots)

Final Thought: Soooo Luna is going to feel awkward for a while after accusing her daughter of being someone else’s kid… That’s gotta feel good

NEXT TIME: Makoto has an incredibly close friend that we’ve never heard of before nor will ever see again

 

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