4:9 – Protect Mamoru! Jealousy of Usagi the Ninja
Alternative Title: Penises On Parade
First Aired: 27th May 1995
After Rei destroys his apartment with a fire extinguisher, Mamoru stays at the Hikawa Shrine overnight. Fearing that something untoward will happen between Mamoru and Rei, Usagi infiltrates the shrine, not knowing that Rei is also the target of Tigers-Eye…
Also, butts happen.
So… this episode is stupid. And I love it. I love seeing throw-backs to the Mamoru-Rei dynamic from the first season, I love Usagi taking more of an active role in an episode, I love her hair-brained schemes that we haven’t seen in a long while, I love the classic slapstick humour. This feels like an episode from season 1 or 2 and my I’ve missed it.
It’s not perfect (the art bugs me here and there), but hey, you gotta take every high for what it’s worth, right?
Also, it’s worth noting that this is the last time Pervert Grandpa or Yuichiro make an appearance in Sailor Moon.
Nooooooooooo well it’s not like they did anything useful but nooooooooooo!
We open to quadratic functions. What a way to start an episode. I found quadratic equations difficult enough as a student without seeing Kanji shoved in there as well, so this textbook Mamoru is holding may as well be arcane mystic knowledge found in the Dead Sea Scrolls for all I know. What’s clear is that Ami and Mamoru are having way too good a time together. Ami even makes a comment about having to understand Einstein’s relativity in space to solve the equation (??? what ???)
Naturally Usagi is losing her shit over this. Most people would swallow their jealousy and see it for the pettiness that it is, but this is Usagi: she has no behaviour control, high impulsivity and a lack of propriety, hence her sitting between them and screaming.
That’s our girl.
Rei, rather mean-spiritedly (but entirely accurately) calls her a child, and they get into a classic spat. Ahhh I missed this… or at least I would have the nostalgia rush, but this is the animator I dislike immensely, so everything looks kinda naff.
I love this next bit. It reminds me so much of the old days, like when the girls were all learning from Makoto how to cook and Minako thought she cut her finger off. Diana sees smoke billowing up from outside, and starts yelling “FIRE!”, which of course sets all the girls off. Rei, proving that she is, at times, as clumsy as Usagi is, grabs a fire extinguisher, trips and destroys Mamoru’s apartment.
From having accidentally given a friend chemical pneumonia with a chemical fire extinguisher myself before, I can attest that those things wreck houses… and make you cough up red powder for weeks.
Naturally, of course, all Diana saw was smoke from someone cooking fish. I sorta like how all the girls look like they’re being reprimanded here… but then I remember it’s Mamoru being a condescending dipshit SO all I am is enraged.
Rei offers to put Mamoru up in the shrine in recompense, and of course Usagi objects to this, saying he should stay at her place. I like Chibi-Usa’s sly look as she points out that Usagi won’t be able to explain why a grown-ass man is sleeping over at his 15-year-old girlfriend’s place.
Even better is Diana’s offer to act as Mamoru’s chastity guard, to ensure Mamoru and Rei do not make any “mistakes“. This is met with more of Usagi’s tears, of course. Goddamn I love this opening. So silly and manic, just how Sailor Moon should be.
We get another Dead Moon circus scene… it’s pretty boring to be honest. These scenes were great at first, but they’ve become so repetitive. We get it, they get chewed out, talk trash, objectify women, land on a woman conspicuously familiar to the viewer… and this time it’s Rei of course.
Grandpa Hino meets Mamoru and… well, he kinda hits on him a bit, and warns Rei to tap that ass ASAP. Apparently Yuichiro has not lived up to the aspiring inheritor of the shrine that he could have been. I mean, he is like a hobo. A rich hobo, though.
I do love this guy, and I’m sorry this is his swan song. He already got a chuckle out of me when Usagi pointed out cruelly that Grandpa hasn’t checked out Yuichiro to be Rei’s husband because he’s a fucking bum. I mean, that face. Perfect.
Even better is Ami waltzing in trying to fix the situation, bringing up the fact that Mamoru and Rei used to date (throw-back yes!), then saying how much ancient history it is now that Rei is looking to get a new boyfriend. Aaaaaand Yuichiro finally snaps. Great scene.
It’s evening! Mamoru is working on a shitty 1995 laptop. Actually it’s pretty damned advanced for 1995. I actually suspect this is just a word processor, which looked like a sleek laptop until you booted it up and realised it was essentially entirely dedicated to running Notepad. I should know… I had one.
Diana is being cute as a button making sure no one tries to fuck Mamoru (no seriously that’s what she’s doing), then things get creepy as Mamoru moves his face right up close to a kitten and invites her to join him in the bath. FUCKSAKE MAMORU.
Then Rei walks into the bath in classic anime style and gets an eyeful of reincarnated princely peen.
Then the viewers get an eyeful of airborne future kingly butt.
Ok I forgive Mamoru for all the horrendous condescending chauvinism he’s displayed all these years because GRAB THE MUSTARD THOSE ARE –SOME– BUNS.
Hearing Rei’s precious screams of shock (and awe, undoubtedly) Yuichiro runs in to save her honour. After Rei is done kicking his ass to the floor so she can run back to her room and whip out the old biology textbook, Yuichiro turns to Mamoru who is, I should remind you, still naked and in the tub.
“You seem to be very relaxed, Chiba.” I actually cackled out loud at this. Literally everything about this is funny.
When Rei returns to her room, she’s greeted by… Usagi the MOST ADORABLE NINJA OF ALL TIME. Well that’s one way to ensure your boyfriend’s chastity…? I like how she brought her blade too.
Rei is all pissed off of course, but embarrassedly tells Usagi that Mamoru’s in the bath. There’s this brilliantly long pause as Usagi notes the word “bath“, then contemplates Rei blushing and not looking her in the eye, and finally puts two and two together. Very classic humour, but GODDAMN IT’S FUNNY STUFF.
Usagi screaming “YOU SAW IT. REI-CHAN SAW IT” is just too much for me. I’m even smiling as I type this out.
Let’s top that off with a scene even better, shall we?
Yuichiro is outside stoking the fire used for the baths, since the shrine doesn’t have central heating. Mamoru thanks him courteously through the window, and Yuichiro gets a supremely evil look on his face. It’s remarkable how much more cunning this man can be when backed into a corner.
Mamoru says that it’s a little hot… and Yuichiro responds by throwing in a few more logs and stoking the fire more. PERFECT. Both a naked Mamoru and a scalded Mamoru in the same episode. I’m in heaven.
Then the pace rams straight into a wall as Chibi-Usa and Pegasus discuss jealousy in love. It’s not disturbing or creepy in the least when Pegasus looks gammy-eyed at Chibi-Usa with his oblong horse pupils and she blushes. Not… at… all…
For reference, this is what a horse eye looks like. Aren’t you all falling in love too?
It’s morning! Usagi has returned to annoy Rei… it’s not a great exchange if I’m honest. What’s more of interest is Yuichiro meditating in a shrine room, obviously ruminating on how to improve himself. When Grandpa comes in, he screams to get Yuichiro’s attention, then expresses surprise that Yuichiro isn’t dead yet. Wow, he’s like the best mentor ever. I think even Marco Pierre White is nicer to his trainee chefs.
Grandpa tells Yuichiro that the way to advance his training is to do away with his carnal desires and to follow him to some intense training…
..of standing on the street corner in terrible suits catcalling women. Oh sheesh this is skeezy. But we’re being invite to mock these jokers at least. I think this passes muster because it’s not trying to normalise street harassment – it’s showing it for the absurd and pathetic practice that it is. Well, I may be giving the show too much credit, I think they were just going for funny to be honest.
And, to be honest, job done. This is so fucking pathetic it hurts. Grandpa gets Yuichiro to start asking random women out for tea, and then… well… they start grabbing women. OK you had me right up until that point, now I just find the two of them gross.
Tigers-Eye appears to hit on Rei. He has a ridiculous boner for her. It’s very creepy. Thankfully Rei whirls around with her broom thinking Usagi is creeping up on her from the bushes, knocking Tigers-Eye to his butt with his shrivelled tiger-peen flopping around much to his embarrassment (there’s a LOT of penis in this episode, guys). Rei unconcernedly says excuse me and walks off. This again is hilarious. The Amazon Trio are only entertaining when they’re being ridiculed.
He continues to hit on Rei but she’s so focussed on trying to whack Usagi (who isn’t even there, so Rei looks insane) that he becomes enraged like all straight white entitled men (AMIRIGHT?) and just attacks rather than be ignored any longer.
I hate seeing the Senshi attacked like this. It’s horrible in every episode regardless but it’s especially uncomfortable when it’s characters you feel like you’ve known for years.
Usagi and Chibi-Usa hear Rei’s screams and run into battle to save Rei. Aaaaand the Remless of the day is: this Kabuki thing. Mizugeiko, It’s a “water artist“. Is that a thing? I guess so. Basically she attacks by spooging out acid from her fans and flying around.
I love how Mamoru, working on his report, looks up with a “Usako is calling me…!” but Diana tells him to ignore it and focus on his report. And he’s like “ok.” Best use of a Tuxedo Kamen appearance ever, by not having one. That’s an extra point on the episode score right there.
After more attacks from Mizugeiko (there’s like a rainbow and paper dolls at one point, I have no idea I’ve never seen the real-world allegory for this practice) we finally get some action from the Inner Senshi after sooo looooong. They’re actually USEFUL today. It’s gratifying. They manage to combo her and it feels great! Still, why have they not got their goddamn new attacks yet?
Super Sailor Moon shoots out the lovely Moon Gorgeous Meditation (still looks great) and Mizugeiko shoulda got that Geico insured for that moneeeeey. That was a Kanye West reference. I’m sorry.
So yeah, Rei all saved and stuff.
The final scene seems humorous at first… until you step back and think about it. So Mamoru is apologising to Usagi for not turning up to fight. Pretty funny/ Then we pan over to Yuichiro still in that horrible suit, grovelling before Rei about being “tempted by the devil“. Meanwhile Rei is ignoring him and thinks to herself how hot a waiter is.
And the episode ends on Yuichiro promising never to flirt with another woman ever again.
And that’s the last time we ever see him. Grovelling for sexually harassing women on the street. Actively grabbing them on orders of an old man. To a women who obviously wants nothing to do with him. I realise the joke here is that Rei is being haughty to Yuichiro while doing the exact same thing, but my WORD it does not play off like that.
As a final scene for a character, all this says to me is that Rei chucked Yuichiro out the goddamn shrine for having to be put on the sexual offenders register and he just wanders off to a life of obscurity and poverty. Well jeeze, how’s that for nihilism?
So yeah, very funny episode, we got some decent action from the Senshi, Usagi in an adorable new outfit, multiple penis references, a bare butt centre-frame and a rather depressing ending. Solid episode.
FINAL SCORE: 4/5 – In any other season this would be a 3, but this not in SuperS!
Monster Score: 3/5 – Mizugeiko was in it far too briefly. A bit boring, but I liked her style
Final Thought: So since Grandpa Hino never comes back we can presume that a) he was imprisoned for his actions earlier in the day of b) he popped an old man boner and died of haemorrhagic stress. Both fitting ends
Next Time: Yaaay Fish-Eye finally gets a chance to DO something. It does not go well.