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4:15 – Mansions of Secrets! The Menu of Love to You

Alternative Title: Hawks-Eye Digs Musty Shitake Mushroom Stank

First Aired: 15th July 1995

Hawks-Eye dressed like a clown

After Diana and Chibi-Usa befriend a stingy and abrasive old lady, they find that she’s not as evil as everyone makes her out to be. She has a beautiful dream revolving around food, but Hawks-Eye, who has a taste for menopausal women, decides to intervene.

Oh lordy lordy lord. This episode. It’s not like it’s the worst episode in the world. In fact, it would be better if it were. This episode is so dreadfully boring and bland that it inspires no memory of it whatsoever. It has the flavour of a used hand towel, to use an analogy this episode might appreciate.

 

Any way, best to just get this over with.

Usagi and Chibi-Usa are shopping for food. I feel like I’ve seen this in season 2… There’s some bickering about stew… it’s not really worth mentioning. I don’t know why I’m still typing about it, it’s a compulsion.

The “star” of the episode is making a scene at the checkout, an older lady (kinda hard to tell, the animation is a bit shoddy in this episode) is complaining that something isn’t 117 yen as advertised. She’s made out to be the bad guy here, the classic Japanese aversion to causing inconvenience to others, but hey, we don’t know her circumstance, and after having actual rapists in this series I think her crime is rather a light one.

"My crime is that I'm old and have opinions."

“My crime is that I’m old and have opinions.”

Oh look, Mamoru has also come across the lady. Right after his future wife and child. Tokyo must be a small place for all these people to keep bumping into each other, huh? Mamoru offers the lady his umbrella, before she accuses him coldly of having ulterior motives.

I’ll be honest, Mamoru did look like he was hitting on her, and I would back away slowly if a stranger even talked to me in public. So once again, totally on her side. You be a dick all you want, lady.

"B-but lady, I might be your last chance to have sex"

“B-but lady, I might be your last chance to have sex”

It’s all worth this to see the look on Mamoru’s face after he’s been accused of trying to romance the elderly.

It’s also rather worth it to see Mamoru almost being hit by a truck (this happens weirdly often) and his resultant rolling around on the wet tarmac. In front of some judgemental cats. Who judge him. As I also do.

"I command that you do not look at your future king Endymioooooooooon"

“I command that you do not look at your future king Endymioooooooooon”

This is a all a bit weird… I’m not sure what they’re going for here. I think they’re saying that the old lady caused Mamoru’s complete and utter disgrace as a man and a human being by refusing his stupid umbrella? All a bit strange. Diana thinks so too, and decides to follow the woman to scold her (??????)

Ok.

  1. Fuck, a Diana episode
  2. You’re a fucking cat, what the fuck are you going to do about it?
  3. What happens when she finds out you talk you idiot?

That’s some hard hitting analysis you find anywhere else other than prettysoldierproject.com, visit today.

So after this… adorable… plot device, Diana smacks into the old lady, covering herself in rain water, and is promptly cat-napped by the evil old lady. Luna and Artemis are aghast, mainly because Diana is stupid and might start speaking in front of a muggle. Well if she does you’ve failed as parents.

"Well... if we never have Diana in the future then our crime will never have happened. Go buy some cat-sized condoms."

“Well… if we never have Diana in the future then our crime of abandoning our child will never have happened. Go buy some cat-sized condoms.”

So Old Lady turns out to be not such a dick after all, feeding a kitten she just found on the street some fancy-ass stew. This lady is super lonely. I’m looking into my future.

By the way, this lady’s seiyuu is fecking terrible. So breathy and bland.

Anyway, Usagi chews Mamoru out for trying to hit on an old lady on the street. See, glad I’m not the only one who saw it. This is funny… but the art is weirdly off-putting. It’s not bad… but everyone seems to end up looking the same.

"That's the 7th old woman over 70 you've tried to pick up this WEEK. You're lucky you're so rich."

I imagine this is what Wayne and Coleen Rooney looked like the morning after it came out that he had sex with that old lady. If you don’t know who that is… yeah just ignore.

Rei gets giddy upon having information to impart and having even a small moment of relevance in this otherwise Senshi-less series, telling the group that Old Lady Nice-Not-So-Nice is famous for being a stingy rich dick.

Then at that VERY SECOND (what are the odds) Makoto recognises an old guy as a head chef at a fancy French restaurant, also as her only chance to be relevant in an otherwise Senshi-less series. Well he couldn’t POSSIBLY have anything to do with the old lady we’ve met who seems to love fine dining CAN HE?

Yes I’m being overly cynical and judgemental today, it’s the only thing getting me through this review.

"I definitely don't have anything to do with this thread-bare plot."

“I definitely don’t have anything to do with this thread-bare plot.”

Maybe a change of pace will heighten the energy of this episode? Let’s take a visit to the Rapists Anonymous bar to see what Hawks-Eye is  up to… oh… he’s staring at a picture of the old lady and calling her cute while contemplating how he’s going to romance and attack her.

He also calls her “flavour“developed”, like “dried shitake mushrooms“.

You know what, fuck this, let’s move on.

My reaction entirely

My reaction entirely

OH GOD it’s a Pegasus scene. I’m getting to the point where this saccharine and slow explanation of the plot thus far is just painfully uninteresting. Especially as it’s all an excuse for the magical talking horse to groom Chibi-Usa. Seriously, he’s hitting on her and it’s troubling. I’m troubled.

Ahhh young love *washes self vigorously*

Ahhh young love *washes self vigorously*

Next day, oh look old chef guy does have something to do with the old lady after all. It seems he might be the person she’s been waiting to return to her after all these years. Or not, who knows. If he is I’m sure the reasons he abandoned her were all completely rational and sympathetic.

Also, some of the art here reminds me of season 1 stuff. Bad season 1 stuff.

Chibi-Usa accosts him about being a famous chef, and he gives this soliloquy in return:

No… My heart was hopelessly meddled despite my age, thanks to memories of a past love, and I’m just a foolish traveller who is pondering about leaving this town.

"I really only needed a yes or no, dude."

“I really only needed a yes or no, dude.”

I want to find whoever wrote this episode and egg them.

So next to be abducted by Old Lady Death is Chibi-Usa because fuck it she old and lonely. It’s about as interesting as the last time we were in this house. Goody. This is almost bafflingly boring. It also feels very retro. As much as I love series 1, they’re using dated animation and dated music. The result is that I have nothing to hold my focus here.

The Old Lady gets accosted by… land sharks… yeah they want the lady to sell her house… and they think dressing in cheap suits and rattling her gate is going to achieve this…? I must say, with all my experience with the Yakuza (rather limited I grant you), they really aren’t smooth enough to pull even this plan off.

This… goes nowhere. It also makes my eyes roll. In an episode where I’m buying everything that goes on, sure, I can get down with this atonal absurdity, but I’m taking no prisoners today and this scene can get fucked.

Hawks-Eye obviously feels the same, roughing up the Yakuza… while dressed as a clown… to impress the old lady. He’s dressed as a fucking clown.

"I may be a cheap thug who'll never amount to anything, but at least I'll never look like that."

“I may be a cheap thug who’ll never amount to anything, but at least I’ll never look like that.”

I am glad to report that the Old Lady immediately realises he’s after something and tells him to fuck off. Seeing this pervert being shot down is one of the better parts of the episode, 2nd only to seeing Mamoru’s dumb face at being shot down by a grandma.

Worth pointing out Hawks-Eye’s reaction here. He gets pissed off, saying she “made a fool of me!” Here’s my chance for a Social Justice Rant!

Bro, she don’t owe you a goddamn thing. She didn’t ask for your help. Upon giving it, you seemed to feel entitled that she give you her attention and her adoration. Completely disregarding the fact that you planned to attack her all along, that you “good deed” was motivated purely by personal gain makes you as bad as her original harassers. Welcome to the Patriarchy, Hawks-Eye, you’ve just been made fucking king.

Go fuck yourself, buddy.

And stop wearing striped flared trousers and suspenders with a communist China crop-top because you ain’t doing yourself any favours.

"It's clearly everyone else's fault that I'm an unlikeable tool. TO TWITTER."

“It’s clearly everyone else’s fault that I’m an unlikeable tool. TO TWITTER.”

This is when Old Lady almost reveals her deep dark secret that no one gives a fuck about in a quavering voice that requires maximum volume to hear, but she’s interrupted by the goddamn patriarchy. There’s something even more unpleasant than usual about this attack, today. It’s got this threatening home-invasion kinda vibe. Like someone who was harassing you on the street followed you home. Icky.

So Hawks-Eye shoves his head into the… slack pink mirror… you know what I’m just gonna barf for a sec… and there we go. Hawks-Eye doesn’t even seem to care about Pegasus today. He also doesn’t care about destroying a potential hiding place for Pegasus in the future. He wants to kill the old lady because “I never forgive any woman who ignores me, anyway.

Goddamn patriarchy.

It's just... wrong. Just wrong, dude. Wrong.

It’s just… wrong. Just wrong, dude. Wrong.

Diana attacks her first bad guy to give Chibi-Usa time to transform! Just like her maw and paw. They grow up so fast…

Oh also Usagi is there for some reason, I forget.

"Seriously can I just not be in this episode Chibi-Usa? It's so goddamn boring."

“Seriously can I just not be in this episode Chibi-Usa? It’s so goddamn boring.”

The Senshi’s entrance is… actually pretty good. Chibi-Moon actually calls Hawks-Eye out for being “Caught red-handed with breaking and entering… and sexual assault, pervert!” I mean… can’t get more fair than that, right? I do admire the show for finally addressing it.

Today’s Remless is named Autobiko… I bet you can’t guess what her shtick is… You should be immediately worried, seeing as she has an uncanny, troubling resemblance to another monster of the day from Sailor Moon S.

"It was literally either this or a bus route."

“It was literally either this or a bus route.”

This Remless is pretty boring. She destroys the house, they go out into the garden. She’s quickly defeated by Tuxedo Kamen after he throws a rose at her, and instantly defeated by a Moon Gorgeous Meditation before she does anything fun or interesting. There are worse monsters I suppose.

"Sail... SAILOR MOON... get a ladder... I'm STUCK I think... ohhhh goooood..."

“Sail… SAILOR MOON… get a ladder… I’m STUCK I think… ohhhh goooood…”

So how to resolve this whole stupid storyline in 3 minutes? The old lady wakes up to see the old man chef (OH HE DID HAVE SOMETHING TO DO) who claims he left because… he wanted to become a better chef before they made their dream of a cafe in their garden come true.

Buddy, you don’t need to be the best French chef in the world to run a fucking cafe. Sounds like a bad excuse.

They both cry and I’m hoping a bird flies through my window and lodges into my brain.

"Let's be complete pussies together until we die, unnamed old lady"

“Let’s be complete pussies together until we die, unnamed old lady”

Aaaand the episode ends with a voice-over about how they totally did achieve their dream and Usagi seems to accuse Mamoru of wanting to bone this old lady as they are serving them outside. Honestly this entire storyline is so so so so booooriiiing.

In conclusion, a couple of interesting talking points over Hawks-Eye’s patriarchal attitude towards women that seem as relevant today as it did in 1995, and nothing else. Not much humour, poor art choices, poor music choices, poor character moments… Ugh.

"Don't worry, I've slipped arsenic into the lamp cutlets. The sweet release of death will soon take us all."

“Don’t worry, I’ve slipped arsenic into the lamp cutlets. The sweet release of death will soon take us all.”


 

 

FINAL SCORE: 2/5 (So close to being a 1, but was just too boring to give it even that acolade)

MONSTER SCORE: 2/5 (Brief, boring)

FINAL THOUGHT: So are those Yakuza going to come back and burn the house down or what?

NEXT TIME: The Inner Senshi finally FINALLY power up… in a poorly animated and boring episode. Oh joy.

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2 Comments »

  1. I guess in sailor moon supers, horse grooms you

    Isn’t that guy the bloke from the park that was Ami’s best friend for a day? The one whose day was ruined by Nephrite that one time? Same character model maybe who knows lol.

    Mazel tov to the Sailor Senshi for calling out Hawks-Eye on his actual crimes. I’m surprised they didn’t lead in with, “An old woman’s dream of a tea house! How dare you spill her cup and saucer! We’ll give you one lump or two!” or something campy like that.

    Hawks-Eye reminds me of a guy I know who would probably wear that exact outfit, only he doesn’t spend his days lifting weights and sexually assaulting elderly women, rather he’s a culinary student at university (IRONIC).

    So we’ve got breaking and entering, sexual assault, paedophilia, the god damn patriarchy, bestiality, and Tiren 2 Electric Boogaloo. Gold star, Sailor Moon.

  2. Correction. “Bestiality” is cross-species sexual activity between humans and animals. There is nothing of that sort here. You should be able to make a distinction between the attraction (zoophilia) and the act (bestiality). As far as I see it, Chibiusa is enchanted by Pegasus as a mythological being who appears in her dream and in her reality (a Unicorn that talks – I mean, wouldn’t any scientist be fascinated by that?), it is innocent, and the only attraction is when he is in human form. I see no problem here.

    This episode was lazy, I agree. Easily one of the weakest of the entire season. It is too routine and bland, without any effort to try out something new.

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